Through Their Eyes
by TwiliteAddict
Summary: Carlisle & Esme are the foundation of the Cullen Family. This continuing series of one-shots looks at specific events from the Twilght saga through their unique perspective & thoughts. Read one or read them all! Summary at the beginning of each chapter.
1. Catharsis

_Welcome to my series that highlights pivitol moments from the Twilight Saga, only seen through Carlilse and Esme's eyes. I will add more to the series as suggestions are made or as the fancy strikes me! I hope you enjoy! The other chapters in this series are detailed at the end of this chapter._

**Catharsis**

_Summary: Carlisle speaks to a panicked Bella and Edward still on their honeymoon at Isle Esme. He believes Bella is pregnant, but it's definately not a normal pregnancy. View the drama of Bella's pregnancy through Carlisle's eyes and mind. Contains medical terminology and graphic descriptions._

_Stephenie Meyer owns all of Twilight._

* * *

"Carlisle...What is it?"

Esme's voice was distant. It sounded as if it had traveled light-years to reach me though she stood right behind me.

I couldn't respond to her. Not yet. I didn't have the answers to the questions that would surely come.

Instead I continued to stand unmoving, the cell phone still clutched in my hand. Why hadn't I considered the possibility? How could this have happened?

Esme tried again to span the unseen distance between us. "Carlisle, dear, you're frightening me. Please tell me what's going on?"

Slowly I filled my lungs with air to answer her, but didn't turn to face her. "I just spoke to Bella and Edward," I pushed out, hoping the right words would come if I took my time composing a response.

"Is everything alright?" Her voice indicated that she already knew something was terribly wrong. It had less to do with her being a vampire and more to do with her eighty plus year's experience being married to a doctor. When I failed to answer her quickly, Esme's patience ran out. She darted in front of me to gain my full attention, her eyes communicating her frustration.

"Bella's pregnant." So much for my eloquence.

"Oh! – _Oh?_" Esme's response was first of joy, then uncertainty. From my body language is was clear that there was no cause for celebration. I waited for her questions.

"Is that possible? With Edward? I _thought_ they had waited until they were married…"

"They did."

"But Carlisle, it's only been seventeen days since the wedding. I had no idea I was preg –"

Esme didn't finish her sentence.

It had been a long time since Esme lost her infant son, but the wound his death carved into her heart remained easily opened. My first instinct was to comfort her, but she held up her hands as if to deflect my sympathy. "Bella. Edward. What's going on?" she asked emphatically this time.

I spilled out the rest of what I knew. "Bella has conceived since the wedding. She can already feel the baby move. And she's showing."

Esme's hand flew to her mouth, "But…how can that be?"

Indeed. To my knowledge, Bella and Edward's union was unique. It appeared their child was also. "I don't know anything more." My tone warned Esme not to pursue any more answers.

After several hundred years in medicine, I felt I had faced every conceivable medical situation – the critical, the mundane, and the absurd. But now I felt like I had been dropped in a foreign land. Lost. Bella and Edward would be looking to me for answers, for solutions. I had none. Nor was I sure I could find them.

Plagued by my lack of knowledge, I had forgotten Esme was standing before me. I had been looking right through her. She grounded me to reality by running a comforting hand down my arm until she entwined her fingers with mine. "You'll find your answers," she spoke barely above a whisper.

My gaze refocused on her expressionless face. Though I could not read her emotions, I knew they were parallel to mine. We were afraid.

Whatever had taken root inside Bella was growing at an exponential rate. An unnatural rate.

I had urged Edward to return with Bella as soon as possible. In the mean time, I needed to formulate a plan for getting through this. My task would be to solve the physiological implications for Bella and the child while Esme would attend to the emotional needs. We worked well as a team when it came to family crises, but this time I sensed that we were caught in a shaky house of cards. And if that house collapsed, would we be able to pick up the pieces?

But now was not the time to have the fears of a father. I needed to be the physician. I had preparations to make – stat. "Esme, I need to go to Seattle for medical equipment. Edward and Bella are coming home. I'll keep in touch with them over the cell."

Esme nodded as I gave her hand a quick squeeze before I turned to leave. But then she stopped me dead in my tracks with one more question…

"What about the baby?"

"It's just not meant to be."

* * * *

These were the words I was left to ponder over as I drove to Seattle in full doctor mode.

Practicing medicine was about establishing priorities and assessing the risks and benefits for the patient. Medicine needs to be black and white to make the course of action clear for the practitioner. Bella was my patient. The unborn…child…inside her threatened her life. To grow at such a rapid rate, the fetus would take from Bella everything it needed, leaving her with little to sustain her own body.

As her physician, the action I needed to take was clear. I knew with Edward's medical background, he had come to this same conclusion.

Again, I repeated the obvious, convincing myself of what needed to be done.

Medicine is a science. It is based on fact, observation, and research. Medicine by its nature cannot and _should not_ feel. Feelings cloud judgment and cause rash, illogical decisions to be made. Feelings complicate matters and are biased.

Feelings are gray. Medicine is black and white. Feelings have no place in medicine.

But I do have feelings.

My family has feelings.

And I wasn't just Bella's physician. I was family.

I could not deny that in a family without life, one had been created. Nothing short of a miracle. Wouldn't our instinct be to preserve and protect this creation of Bella and Edward's love?

As soon as I took off the scientific blinders, the war within me began. The feelings were there and the dilemma would have to be addressed: who had the authority to decide the fate of this unborn child?

As a physician, shouldn't I always act in the best interest of my patient's well-being? Does Edward, as husband and father, have the right overrule me should he disagree with my plan of care? Or should this be Bella's choice alone – her body, her life, her child? Does the child _belong _to her? Does the child have rights, and if yes, who speaks for it? What of the dictates of my faith – a faith that Bella and Edward may not embrace as their own?

I knew I wasn't the first to ask these weighty questions. But now I must have the answers to serve them best.

Which raised another question: What exactly was my role?

I felt I had been sucked into a tragedy play in which I was merely a minor character. I had little control over the events carried out on stage by the main characters: Bella and Edward. This scenario could not be planned out – it must play out.

My role would be to prepare for all possible outcomes, including life and death.

* * * *

By the time I returned to the house, the immediate sequence of events was set: Bella and Edward were en route home. Esme and I planned to pick them up at the airport while the rest of the family made the preparations at home. Surprisingly, Rose insisted on accompanying Esme and me.

Once at the airport, we waited for them in the baggage claim area. I had already retrieved their bags having identified them by scent. Esme gasped audibly when she saw them. It appeared Bella had truly become a Cullen – her skin was chalky pale and the shadows under her slightly sunken eyes were dark. My gaze moved from Bella's to her husband's. Edward's eyes were already fiercely locked on mine. I didn't need his gift to hear his pleas of urgency.

Bella trailed behind Edward as he held her hand. She offered us a tentative smile as they approached.

Although Esme reached out to Bella, in a burst of energy, Bella charged into Rosalie's open arms.

"Let's go home, Bella. Don't worry, I'll take care of you," Rose crooned as she placed an arm around Bella's shoulders and escorted her toward the exit.

Esme and I were dumbfounded by this unlikely scene and staggered for a moment deciding whether to catch up with Rose and Bella or retrieve Edward who seemed to be rooted to the spot where Bella had just left him.

"Edward?" Esme called to him, but he appeared to be in a state of shock. Her words jolted him back to reality. His wide eyes met ours, but his voice was emotionless. "She's protecting it."

Several passer-bys began to eye Edward's unnaturally immobile form. I closed the space between us and murmured, "Son, start walking."

He stumbled forward as I grabbed their bags. Esme and I flanked Edward as he continued to mumble. "She won't let us touch her. She thinks it is her _duty_ to protect it."

"Edward, whatare you talking about?" I was not used to him making no sense.

He froze and looked at me incredulously. "Rose's mind is set. She won't let anyone near Bella or…the baby…as she thinks of it."

"Well, that's not up to Rose now is it?" I stated quickly not having pictured Rose as a key actor in our tragedy play.

"She's doing it at Bella's request." His voice conveyed a feeling of deep pain.

"_What_?"

"Bella plans to keep the pregnancy." The realization paralyzed him again. This time I grabbed him by the upper arm to keep him moving. We needed privacy – and quickly – Edward was falling apart.

When our stunned little group caught up with Rose and Bella, they were already in the back of the Mercedes. I loaded the suitcases in the trunk and hurried to the driver's side of the car, pausing only to snag the parking ticket that fluttered on the windshield. What was the point of a loading zone anyway?

Edward leaned in through the still open back door and glared at Rose, who maintained an arm around Bella. Esme came up behind Edward and spoke into his ear, "Sit up front with Carlisle. There's more room. I'll check on Bella."

Still reeling from the sudden turn of events, Edward slowly moved up front as Esme slid in next to Bella and shut the door. I sped away concerned that World War III was about to break out – vampire style. Edward's hands trembled on his knees as he sat stoically next to me. I glanced in the rearview mirror to see Rose stroking Bella's hair as Bella rested her head on Rose's shoulder.

Then the momentary silence was shattered.

"You have no right, Rose," Edward hissed through clenched teeth.

"Neither do you, Edward," she replied with venom in her voice.

"Need I remind you that I am her husband?"

"You don't own her! She wants this baby. End of story. Or are you going to rip the baby out of her against her will, dear _loving_ husband?"

"Rose, stop," Bella whimpered. I was unsure what troubled her more, the arguing or the visual Rosalie had just created.

Edward plowed on, "Bella will see reason. She'll do what's best. But she doesn't need you speaking poison in her ear."

"Afraid I'll tell her the truth, Edward? That she doesn't have to do everything you say? That she can make her own decisions? This may be her only chance to have a baby – before her humanity is _taken _from her." Rose's voice was escalating.

"We don't know what _it _is. I won't let it consume Bella for its needs." Edward was again speaking through his teeth but his voice somehow boomed louder than Rosalie's.

They both were drowning out Bella's pleas for the fighting to stop.

"No you won't, Rose!" Edward responded vehemently to Rosalie's unspoken thoughts.

"Really?" she mocked. "You try to stop me." She seemed to be taunting him, enjoying his barely restrained anger.

"I'll _destroy_ you before I let it harm Bella." Edward's tone left no doubt he would follow through with his threat.

"Emmett may have something to say about that," Rose smirked.

"Enough!" Esme shouted over the bickering as Bella gestured she was about to vomit.

I pulled over and Bella leaned over Rose's lap to heave out the car door.

"See, you're upsetting her!" Rose's accusation flew at Edward while she held Bella's hair.

Edward's fingers began to curl into fists, but his anger was now secondary to Bella's suffering.

Bella leaned back into the car, wiping her mouth. "Please, Carlisle, can we go home?" she begged hoarsely.

"Of course, dear. Buckle up." I switched off the headlights and slammed the gas pedal to the floor.

* * * *

The scene at home was even more chaotic. Bella clung to Rose who was then protected by a hovering Emmett. It had become clear that Bella had contacted Rose from the island to plan the body guard arrangement.

Frustrated, Edward chose to interrogate Alice about the future. It only added fuel to Edward's fire when she pressed her fingers into her temples explaining that she could not see anything. She appeared to be in pain and as aggravated as Edward. Distracted by his wife's distress, Jasper's attempts at calming the explosion of emotions had little effect.

Focusing again on my role, I rushed past them to the ultrasound machine waiting in my study, which now resembled a level-I trauma room. I cringed knowing I had left Esme to deal with the ugly mob. But the ultrasound was of paramount importance. The sooner I knew what we were dealing with the better for _everyone_. Once the equipment was ready, I bolted downstairs to retrieve Bella.

I didn't think it was possible, but the situation had deteriorated even further. My close-knit family had quickly become totally dysfunctional. They were polarized by what they individually saw as the correct action for Bella and Edward to take.

I searched for Bella, finally finding her laying in a fetal position on the couch. Thankfully she had been allowed to withdraw from the arguing.

I reached out to her, but was quickly confronted by her guard. "I need to examine her – doctor and patient only. Privately." I explained allowing my tone to reflect my seriousness. In reality, the last thing I needed was six pairs of eyes attempting their own medical diagnoses.

"Bella was clear. I am to accompany her for all medical procedures." Rose stated haughtily.

At this statement, Edward's head spun around to look at Bella. The pain in his eyes ran deep. "You distrust me? You want Rose by your side, not me?" He slowly approached Bella, but was cut off by Rosalie, who crouched and hissed between them.

"Stop! Both of you," Bella said pushing herself to a seated position. "Edward, please understand, I love you and I love our baby. Don't make me choose."

Seeing a way to diffuse the situation, I spoke quickly, "Bella, honey, I want to do an ultrasound – it will let us see the baby. Rose and Edward will accompany you, okay?"

She nodded.

Once Bella was lying on the special bed I procured, I slid her sagging waistband down and applied gel to her lower abdomen. Pressing the transducer probe into her belly, I coated it with gel and looked expectantly at the monitor. I was anxious to view the image of the heartbeat that I knew would exist in a fetus that was all too obviously growing within her.

But as I moved the transducer over her bulging abdomen, I was puzzled by the lack of image. I checked the equipment. It was working correctly. Then I was horrified -- it was not the equipment that was the problem. It was the contents of her uterus. The membrane surrounding the fetus was opaque obscuring any view of the fetus.

Edward squinted at the screen and quickly came to the same conclusion. "The amnion cannot be penetrated. It's somehow deflecting the sound waves."

"What does that mean?" Bella asked, alarmed by our response.

"Is the baby all right?" Rose swiftly questioned.

"You selfish bitch!" Edward cussed, obviously taken aback by something he heard in Rosalie's head.

Rose crouched in defense, but before either could make another move, Emmett appeared in the doorway. "Problem _little _brother?" he said dryly.

"Yeah, your wife is the problem. She doesn't care about Bella – just that thing inside her!"

"Bella asked Rose to help her protect the baby. Rose agreed. And I support her."

"She agreed because she hopes to benefit, not for Bella. For herself!" Edward began to shake.

"Take it out of here!" I bellowed drawing everyone's gaze.

Edward swallowed and turned his back on Rose and Emmett. "What now?"

"No image, no further understanding about the fetus. I could attempt an amniocentesis. The fluid would contain DNA that I could examine."

"Carlisle, explain. What's going on with my baby?" Bella's voice was strained.

"Bella, the fetus must be surrounded by a membrane more characteristic of something vampiric than human. The ultrasound is ineffective. But I could try to insert a needle –"

"A needle?" Bella squirmed.

"Can that harm the baby?" Rose questioned rapidly.

"There are some risks. But the information gained could be very useful," I reasoned.

"How?" the bodyguard asked. She was now annoying _me_.

"It can tell me if the fetus is more vampire or more human."

"And what difference would that make for the pregnancy?" Rose was intentionally pushing me in a direction I was not ready to take. I had wanted to prepare Bella first…

"A vampire fetus would not be compatible with Bella's human body. The pregnancy would need to be terminated."

"No! No!" Bella cried and clutched at her abdomen protectively. "I will not kill my child!" She looked at Edward with panicked eyes. "Please Edward! I'm strong enough! I can do this!"

"No needles!" Rose pronounced as she inched closer to Bella.

Edward attempted to move past Rosalie. The look on his face so pathetic that even Rosalie didn't have the cold-heartedness not to be touched by them. "Please, love, we'll find another way to have children. Not _this_ way. I can't lose you. Let Carlisle help you."

Tears welled in Bella's eyes. "It's _our_ baby, Edward. The embodiment of our love. Don't you see -- there's no way he can be evil. I _have_ to do this. I love him and he needs me. _Please_ understand."

Edward desperately dropped to his knees at Bella's side. "I love _you_. _I_ need you. I can't stand by and let anything hurt you. Especially when it's my fault."

It felt uncomfortable to be present for such an intimate moment between Bella and Edward. I forced my attention to the now worthless equipment while Emmett stared at his feet. Rosalie however remained intensely watchful.

Bella patted Edward's hand and offered him her best smile. "Don't worry. I will keep my heart beating." She then looked at me, "No needles, Carlisle. Please, can I sleep now?"

"Just let me get a few measurements, okay?" Grudgingly, I glanced at Rose, who nodded her head. Within seconds I was done but Bella had already started drifting off. "Just try to sleep on your left side, Bella."

She complied wordlessly and we left – Rose being the last one out of the room.

I had relocated my study to Esme's office and headed there immediately. I began to document what I had learned through my limited assessment. Already hearing my thoughts, Edward entered and slumped into the chair across from Esme's desk. I spoke out loud as I calculated.

"So if she conceived after your first act of intercourse that would put her at day 18 of her pregnancy. But from all the signs, she's between 16 and 20 weeks pregnant."

Groaning, Edward lowered his head into his hands.

"A term pregnancy is 38 weeks. It appears that one day equals one week in the progress of her pregnancy. If my assessment is accurate, her estimated delivery date would be between September 19th and the 23rd – or as early as 18 days from now."

In the silence that followed, the reality of my words became heavier and heavier until Edward couldn't bear it any longer.

"Carlisle, this is obviously not a human baby. Can Bella survive the rapid growth rate? I need to know."

I wished I had better news to tell him, but I knew my thoughts would betray any lies I would tell him. The truth was the only way – even if it did cause him pain. But I had to convey the details carefully – Rose would be listening. I wordlessly conducted my end of the conversation…

"_I don't see how her body will be able to maintain itself as the fetus takes the sustenance it needs from her. She won't be able to replenish her stores quickly enough. In addition the rapid growth of the child will outpace her body's ability to accommodate its increasing size."_

I watched him burn. The pain in his eyes so real that I felt the sting of it.

In a blur of movement, Edward snatched a notebook from the desk and furiously wrote on it. He held it up for me to read, his determination visible in every line of his of his face: _How do we end this?_

"_What do you mean?"_

_How do we remove the fetus? _He scribbled rapidly on the notebook.

"_Edward, Bella has rejected that option."_

The pen nearly cracked from the pressure of his writing. _It's not an option, its necessary or your patient will die! My wife will die! Help me!_

I dragged my fingers through my hair. I didn't like my choices: risk the death of my patient -- my daughter-in-law, my son's reason for living -- or terminate a pregnancy against Bella's wishes. I couldn't predict the fallout from _that_ action.

"I'll deal with that," Edward replied. "It's all my fault, I accept full blame."

Hesitantly, I nodded my head. _"Yes. I'll help you." _But then added, "_Edward, she may never forgive you for this."_

"I know," was his simple reply. Then he wrote on the notepad again and tossed it on the desk in a gesture of defeat.

_She's all I've got. She may hate me and leave me, but at least she'll be alive. Why is it that no matter what I do, it seems I am destined to take her life? Her number was truly up when she met me." _

The agony on his face, the self-loathing, was more than I could take. I knew I possessed no words to override how he felt about himself, but I had to try. As I took in a deep breath to voice some words of comfort, he silenced me with one word, "Esme."

"Bella's still sleeping quietly. She's physically exhausted." Esme reported as she entered the room. She walked up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders attempting to knead away the tension rapidly building in them.

Her eyes fell on the notebook still lying in front of me. Once she comprehended the words on the paper she snatched up the notebook and stabbed a finger at Edward's written words. Anger colored her voice. "You can't. It's wrong!"

I held my finger up to my lips in a shushing gesture, but Esme was not about to be silenced.

"As men you cannot understand how Bella feels. She has bonded with this child. It's part of her. You have to let her decide. Besides, Carlisle, you know patients have the right to refuse treatment."

"Not if the patient is mentally compromised," Edward refuted.

Esme's head whipped around to look at Edward. "Prove she's compromised," she shot back.

"Look at her choice! Why would she forsake her life for an unknown? For some genetic defect that will slowly devour her? Why would she choose it over life with me? Choose it over living at all! It doesn't make rational sense!" Edward's voice cracked.

Esme's face softened and she walked over to Edward, crouching down so she could look him in the eye. "No, dear, it may not make sense. Love often doesn't. She loves you and loves what the two of you have created. As a result, Bella's nature is to protect her child – your child – even from you. Just as I protected my child from his father." She stood and touched Edward's cheek reassuringly. "I think you should refocus your efforts. You need to figure out how you're going to support this pregnancy, not terminate it."

Without another word, she left -- leaving in her wake the gray area. Through our practicality, Edward and I had made everything black and white. That had been an easier reality to deal with than the one Esme left us with.

Just that quickly, the power in the house had shifted. The decision had been made.

"I'm sorry, Edward," was all I could say.

* * * *

From that point, options were few and far between.

Even when Jacob got pulled into the drama of our tragedy play, the outcome appeared unchanged, despite their best efforts to change Bella's mind.

And so the cast was complete and the actors were becoming masters in their roles: the star crossed lovers agonized, the villain continued to taunt, and the supporting players hovered and fretted.

Then our drama developed a subplot: a wolf pack hell-bent on destroying what we now protected with our lives, Bella and the unborn child.

Over the next several days, Bella mostly slept affording Edward and I time to scour medical journals and the web for ways to keep her and the fetus alive. We called in reinforcements, Emmett and Jasper, to search for any incubus myth, legend, or citation that could give us a clue as to what we might face at the end of this perilous pregnancy.

My main focus was always sustaining Bella's body. The demands being made upon it were incomprehensible. She was a well that the fetus was sucking dry. As she ballooned, I was forced to recalculate her estimated due date several times – always moving it up. It was almost as if the child was gaining momentum.

When IV fluids failed to meet her needs, I convinced her and her guard to try TPN, a fluid I could formulate to meet her specific nutritional needs. I was convinced the thought of inserting a needle directly into her chest would shake her determination, but I was wrong.

Due to the nature of the insertion of a central line into her subclavian vein, I had to enforce a no- vampire-present edict. While Rose was reluctant she did see the necessity realizing her own limits around human blood. Edward was harder to convince as he wanted to spend every waking moment Bella had by her side. But Rose made it clear that she would be present if Edward was and in turn Edward feared Rose's loss of control around Bella. So in the end, the two agree to glare at each other in the main room while I conducted the minor procedure behind closed doors in the make-shift hospital room upstairs.

It was the first time I was physically alone with her since her and Edward arrived home from their honeymoon a week ago. "Bella, honey, I need you to be very still. I cannot sedate you, but I will numb the area."

She laughed weakly, "You need to tell EJ to hold still. He moves all of me when he moves."

Indeed her belly was like a mountain under the white sheet covering her. The more it protruded the thinner Bella became. Her facial features displayed the gaunt look of death I had witnessed all too many times.

I watched her abdomen roll and shift, causing her to grimace.

"I know you think I'm making a poor choice," she whispered.

I set down my instruments and met her eyes. I could see how much she wanted my approval, that she felt she had somehow disappointed me. But in that moment I saw her in a new light. I saw a young girl who had come of age. Though the decision she had made was not what I would have chosen for her, I had to admire her conviction, her willingness to fight for what she believed and for what she loved. It might just be enough to get her through this.

Still, I knew if there was anything I needed to say to her, this might be my only chance. I took the opportunity. "Bella, I would be lying to you if I didn't tell you I'm afraid. I see you wasting away and I don't know how to make it stop. If TPN doesn't work, I don't know of anything that will. But I want you to know I am proud to have you as a daughter. You _are_ strong and I love you."

Her tears flowed silently but her smile showed such gratitude and love in return that I simply took in the moment without further words.

She swiped at the wet trails on her cheeks and resolutely said, "Let's do this."

The insertion was challenging due to her dehydrated status, but with the milky fluid flowing into her, I silently prayed for its effectiveness.

"Let's summon your entourage to get you comfortable downstairs," I spoke cheerfully for her benefit.

"Wait, Carlisle, can I ask one more favor from you?"

"Of course, what do you need?"

"I want to talk to my dad."

Her eyes communicated what she could not speak aloud. That she knew the seriousness of her situation. I realized she had been hiding her doubts skillfully under her conviction.

"I'll call him. I'll think of something we can tell him."

"Thank you, Carlisle, for…everything." Then she smiled, "You guys can come in now."

The door opened to reveal Edward and Rosalie's anxious faces.

"She's all yours."

The scene in my living room resembled a death watch. As Bella weakened so did the movements of the fetus. They withered away right before my eyes. I also watched Edward lose grip of his sanity. I imagined this was the worst kind of torture for him. To helplessly watch Bella fade away when he _could_ take action. To stand by while he knew without her, he would not continue to exist. To know that in his expression of love for her, he created something that ultimately caused her death. To have to accept that his child would destroy his wife.

I had set up a hospital-type bed to hold Bella and the assortment of monitors I now had hooked to her. I watched her heart and oxygen levels while monitoring any signs of contractions on a fetal monitor. With technology keeping watch over her, I met with Emmett and Jasper.

"Any luck on your research?" I asked feeling all my 300 plus years.

"Edward started us in the right place. We found some myths embedded in the Ticuna Indian tribe culture," Emmett reported.

"But the news is not good," Jasper said gravely. "To the best of our understanding, the unborn creatures either grow too quickly to be birthed naturally or they begin to starve. Either way, the creatures forcibly exit the mother's womb, feasting on the spilled blood."

"Just like in that movie _Alien_," Emmett added a little too enthusiastically.

Creature. Alien. They painted a completely different picture than the one Bella envisioned.

Once I finished with Jasper and Emmett, I checked in with Esme, whom it seemed I had barely seen over the past several days. Her report was just as distressing.

"He's just waiting. Waiting to see what Bella's fate is. Edward is bound to it. We lose her and he is lost to us forever," she lamented. "He doesn't even have enough faith to keep up appearances for Bella. He's inconsolable and beyond listening to any reason."

I knew what she meant. He had become so hopeless and helpless that I wondered what was keeping him from completely falling apart. He had already concluded how the last act in the play would end, but felt obligated to stay for the final curtain.

Overwhelmed and needing some air, which in of itself was a ridiculous thought, I headed outside -- only to be faced with Jacob's haunted eyes. He had sacrificed so much for Bella and my family with so little to ever gain from it. He was forced into our drama by his desire to have what he knew would never be his. It tethered him to us. The least I could offer him was a sincere thank you. Unfortunately I instead found myself venting my anxieties to this young man who already carried to much weight on his broad shoulders.

To our surprise, Edward soon appeared on the porch with Rosalie in tow. "Perhaps we've been going about this the wrong way. I was listening to you and Jacob just now, and when you were speaking of what the…fetus wants, Jacob had an interesting thought," he said.

Edward had a spark of purpose in his eyes that I had not seen for some time. It looked like…hope?

"We've been trying to get Bella what she needs. And her body is accepting it about as well as one of ours would. Perhaps we should address the needs of the…fetus first. Maybe if we can satisfy it, we'll be able to help her more effectively."

"I'm not following you, Edward," I responded.

"Think about it, Carlisle. If that creature is more vampire than human, can't you guess what it craves – what it's not getting?"

I was shocked by what simple sense it made! Blood. The elixir of existence for my kind. Brilliant.

But how to administer it? A blood transfusion would overload Bella's circulatory system and a direct transfusion to the fetus was impossible – no needle would penetrate the protective barrier.

So, with Bella's approval we decided to tried the simplest way. She drank it.

With that I witnessed another miracle. Almost immediately Bella showed improvement. Over the next 24 hours I continued to monitor her and the fetus. While it was obvious to any witness she improved by just observing her color and demeanor, I was also encouraged by the improvements I saw in her blood pressure, strength, and ability to keep food in her stomach. No one was happier than Bella though and she pleaded to have all the tubes and monitoring discontinued.

However, there was an unexpected complication: the fetus gained strength also and its erratic movements resulted in Bella suffering broken ribs and contusions.

It was time to plan a delivery – and soon.

Even though Bella showed no signs of impending labor, I knew we could not risk waiting to attempt a vaginal delivery. I would need to perform a c-section. Which also meant another consideration – just as this pregnancy was nearing an end, so were Bella's days as a human. I just hoped we could remove the child from her body before we need to effect the change. Timing would be crucial.

I sought out Edward finding him sitting at his piano staring at the keys blankly. He turned to face me.

"Edward, I did not want to leave Bella in her weakened state, but…"

He drew back slightly viewing the image of Bella's near-death appearance along with my practical thoughts of what we face if she died.

How would we hide her death from her chief of police father? Any examination of her body would reveal the signs of a pregnancy that could not be explained. And no one would believe a gravely ill girl would just up and disappear. Someone in this family would have to take the fall.

"I always said I'd take full blame," Edward addressed my fleeting thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I had tried to keep these thoughts from you as I knew you needed to focus on Bella, but I had to be prepared for…any outcome."

After an awkward pause, I pressed forward with my original purpose for our conversation. "With Bella's drastic improvement, we need to plan for a birth. I'll need your assistance. We'll need to do a c-section."

I tried to suppress the picture of the violent birth Emmett and Jasper described. Edward's eyes flashed and I feared I had failed. I was just too fatigued to master my thoughts.

"But I need to know, with no uncertainty, can you control yourself around her blood?" Then I let the images of what the birth would entail flow through my mind freely. He needed to know the _exact_ challenge he would face. _Edward, you will need to use your teeth to free the baby from her womb._

I knew he had already deduced this fact, but had he assumed I would perform the action? I would if necessary, but much preferred if he would – it just seemed too intimate an act.

But more importantly, the biting of an internal organ would very quickly begin transforming Bella, something she had expressed she wanted from her husband. However, he would need to show _incredible_ restraint. Bite and stop. Bite and free his child from Bella's fragile human body.

"The venom will make her whole again, Edward, just as it did for Esme," I assured him as I saw my thoughts weighing him down.

"Carlisle, could God love the child we've created? A demon child? Has He abandoned Bella?"

His question blew me away.

I knew I could quote several lines of scripture to assure him of God's unwavering love, but instead I decided on something from my heart, not my head. "God would never abandon someone in her _or his_ time of need. Sometimes His reasons for suffering are not clear to us at the time. But I have to agree with Bella – what is conceived in love must have a good purpose. Where there is love, you'll find God, son. Of this I am sure."

He thought for a moment and then said, "You wanted to tell me you are leaving?"

His sudden change in topic threw me for a loop, but knowing Edward, it was just his way to deflect a subject he wasn't really able to pursue further – for the moment at least.

"Yes, Esme and I are going to hunt and go to Seattle for more supplies. I need blood for Bella and some neonatal supplies since our original plan hadn't included a birth. I should be back by noon tomorrow if all goes as planned."

"Hurry," he said.

* * * *

Esme and I hunted with Alice and Jasper before climbing in the Mercedes for the drive to Seattle. With any luck, I could pick up everything I needed first thing in the morning and return quickly.

We rode in silence for many miles. The stress in the house was almost unbearable. I felt guilty benefiting from the time away. I reached out for Esme's hand and found it all too willing to hold mine.

Several hours into our hasty trip, the sudden ring of my cell phone caused Esme and I to jump. Though the scene would have been comical in other circumstances, on this occasion, it struck us with alarm.

The caller ID flashed "Alice".

"Hello, Alice?"

A frantic Alice was pleading for my return. "What's going on, Alice! Calm down – talk to me!"

"It's Bella! She's bleeding from _everywhere_! I think the baby is coming, Carlisle! Edward took her upstairs! I can hear her heart, Carlisle. It's so erratic. _Rose_ – oh, my God! Carlisle come home!" The line went dead.

I dropped the phone and hit the brake with my left foot followed by a stomp on the accelerator with the right. The tires of the Mercedes squealed in protested of my actions as it fishtailed and spun around. The sleek car cut through the night at its top speed of 155 mph.

Esme urgently tried to reach someone at home, but the rings went unanswered. At least I had driving to occupy my mind. Esme looked like she would jump out of the car at any moment. "Edward knows what he's doing. We'll be there soon. Soon enough," I tried to assure her – and myself.

The car slid to a halt in front of the house spitting gravel in all directions. Esme and I raced to the front door, but Esme beat me there. She entered the house first but came to such a sudden stop that I nearly crashed into her.

"_Oh, my…" _she whispered.

To my horror I quickly realized the reason for her abrupt halt. The smell of blood was everywhere, hitting us like a wall. A large pool of blood lay at the bottom of the stairs. It had already begun to congeal.

"No! No! _No!_" I cried out, flying up the stairs so fast I barely touched the steps. How could this happen? There was enough blood in the entryway to fill two humans! What could Bella have left to keep her heart beating?

I strained my ears to hear her heartbeat – I had to hear it! It had to be there!

I heard Jacob's, knowing its familiar sound. There was another beating sound – like a humming bird – thrumming quickly, almost fluttering. But both distinct sounds came from below. I heard no beating ahead of me.

The scene in my transformed study froze me in my tracks. It resembled what I typically only saw on a battlefield. Blood covered the floor. Bella lay open on the bed, red colored every inch of her and her eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling. My mind refused to believe this was the same vibrant girl I had come to love as a daughter. This could _not_ be how the story ends!

Edward was straddling her lifeless form, furiously performing chest compressions.

He didn't notice my arrival over his hysterical pleas to Bella.

"Don't leave me! Bella! Don't leave me!"

I could see the bite marks on her wrists and neck. On the floor next to the bed lie the used silver syringe Edward had filled with his venom. I could see her womb no longer held the child she was willing to die for.

There was nothing left for me to do. Nothing...but…wait.

"No, Bella…I love you. Come back to me…" Edward sobbed as he collapsed onto her chest.

I wanted to move toward him, to help or comfort, but I was still in a state of disbelief. It just couldn't end like _this_.

And then it caught.

It caught!

A frantic beating filled the room with the most glorious drumming sound.

Edward sat up and looked at her unbelieving.

Her eyes slowly closed and her transformation began.

I finally bridged the space between me and my children and silently touched them both.

"Listen! Listen to it, Carlisle." Edward breathed in a rush of relief.

I laughed as all the stress pushed its way out of me. As I listened to Bella's heart preparing for its eternal demise, I again was distracted by the delicate thrumming I heard earlier.

"Edward?"

He stepped down from the bed and looked at me with such joy, I actually laughed again.

"I'm a…father…" his voice a mixture of apprehension and jubilance – just as it should be. "She's perfect, Carlisle. She has Bella's eyes," he gushed. "I…I have a family."

"Yes, yes you do," I clapped him on the back and shook his hand, "Congratulations, son. You did it. You saved Bella and your child."

He looked at Bella with such awe I felt humbled. "She was right, Carlisle. She knew. She's incredible, isn't she?"

"Indeed, when everyone doubted, Bella was strong. You are truly blessed," I agreed.

His eyes seemed to sober and the smile faded as he continued to look at Bella. The reality of what she would now endure becoming clear to him. "Carlisle, I…I think I need some time alone with Bella. I want to prepare her for her return."

"Of course. Do you want my help?"

"No. I think this is something I need to do…alone," he said.

"I understand. We did everything we could, Edward. She knew she would not survive this human, but it was what she wanted. What she chose."

I left, closing the door behind me and looking forward to meeting my new granddaughter. But I lingered for just a moment outside the door. I listened to Edward prepare a basin of water and begin to bathe his wife who would begin a new life in just a few days. He spoke loving words of reassurance to her. He described their daughter, expressed his adoration for her and promised an eternity of togetherness.

When I began to feel ashamed for eavesdropping on such a personal moment, I moved toward the stairs with barely contained excitement to greet the newest Cullen.

In the end, it wasn't a tragedy. It turned out to be a fairy tale ending to a very, very frightening story.

* * *

_End Notes: This chapter was exhausting to write and probably shouldn't have been attempted in a one-shot! The moral issues, the emotional issues, and the drama were overwhelming. Hope I gave you a few things to ponder in the process. As always, your comments sought and appreciated, please consider leaving some._

_Following chapters include:_

_Chapter 2 - Too Soon for Goodbye -- the night before the Volturi arrive thru Carlisle's eyes _

_Chapter 3 - My Decision-- details what happened in the hours before Edward's change_

_Chapter 4 - Prodigal Son -- Edward's rebelious years thru Esme's eyes_

_Chapter 5 - Christmas Angel -- some holiday fluff for Carlilse and Esme fans_

_Be sure to check out the parent story to this series, **Carlisle and Esme: How the Love Story Began** (through my profile)._

_Comments on this story and suggestions for other C&E moments you would like to see are accepted!_

_Go on, read the next chapter...._


	2. Too Soon for Goodbye

**Too Soon for Goodbye**

_Summary: As the Cullens and their allies prepare to face the Volturi, Carlisle ponders many things: What was the Volturi's real motive for coming to Forks? Why had Alice and Jasper left? What would become of his coven? Why had Esme not shown to say good bye?_

_SM owns Twilight_

* * *

Prologue:

In our darkest hour

In my deepest despair

Will you still care?

Will you be there?

In my trials

And my tribulations

Though our doubts and frustrations

In my violence

In my turbulence

Through my fear

And my confessions

In my anguish and my pain

Through my joy and my sorrow

In the promise of another tomorrow

I'll never let you part

For you're always in my heart.

--Michael Jackson

* * *

Our time to prepare had expired.

But even if we had another year to plan, I wasn't sure what more we could do to counteract the vampire militia that would soon descend on this small town.

Though many were convinced a battle would ensue, I still clung to hope that violence could be avoided. The truth was our assembled force, though consisting of many gifted immortals, was untested and would be no match for the efficient Volturi guard.

The _entire_ Volturi guard.

I still could not wrap my mind around it. Was our suspected offense of creating an immortal child worthy of the entire guard? This fact left me unable to deny it any longer, Eleazar was right; something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Although their ulterior motive was yet to be known, there was a theory: the Volturi were not coming to execute justice, but to add to Aro's collection of gifted immortals. Alice and Edward being the prime targets.

Bitterly I wondered how long had he searched for a way to conceal his greed and lust behind an act of punishment against my coven.

What concerned me even more was that in our preparations to defend against a bogus charge, we could potentially hand them more power – the influence Aro could wield with Benjamin and Zafrina at his side was frightening.

I wasn't alone in my deliberations. These thoughts were in the forefront of many minds, prompting some to reassess their role. This was evident by the sudden rush to declare one's position just hours before the confrontation with the Volturi. Who would witness, who would fight and who would be a turncoat in the face of battle was made clear.

If only the outcome was as apparent as my guests' allegiances.

As the wintery scene that heralded the Volturi's arrival began to materialize, Edward and I planned to draw the Volturi to the same field where we confronted the army of newborns. But as I prepared to leave, I took a moment to survey the faces.

Virtually everyone I cared about was present in the room. Eleazar, Kate and Tanya – fierce friends who I have come to call family. Maggie, Siobhan, Liam and others who have come to the aid of my family without regard for their own safety. Nomads, wolves, distant covens… their sacrifice convincing me beyond doubt that no matter what the species, there was good to be found in everyone.

Finally, my eyes sought out my own coven. _My family_.

Bella and Edward.

My pride in them was tremendous. They worked tirelessly to prepare. It was for them I grieved the most. Bella, so new to this life, yet so suited to it. Was it to end so soon for her? And what would be the fate of their child?

Renesmee was an amazing child with an equally amazing gift. While I may have influenced our allies to come to Forks, she was the one who captivated them and won their crucial loyalty to our cause. She was worthy of our protection. A truly unique and special being. _My granddaughter._

Emmett and Rosalie.

They were completely unwavering in their determination. They would stand and fight to the end if need be. I had respectfully observed Rosalie's reserved, intense focus. Emmett, always close to her side, would give me a curt nod whenever he caught my eye to assure me of their loyalty and commitment to our cause.

Then my eyes dropped in acknowledgment of the missing members: Alice and Jasper.

My newest children. Seemingly so mismatched. Alice-- vibrant, outgoing, full of hope and dedication to our lifestyle. Jasper-- plagued by his past, introverted and conflicted by this lifestyle.

Yet their inner strength was unmatched.

In this time before our confrontation with the Volturi, I found myself longing for Jasper's military knowledge and his ability to influence emotions. If his gifts were ever needed, it was now. Or would the emotion of so many believing they were about to face doom be too much for him to handle?

Maybe it was a good thing he wasn't here to endure such pressure. Did I _really_ believe that?

Alice's sudden departure had shaken the faith of this family. But I knew Alice's heart. She did _not_ abandon this family. She must have seen something… something so dreadful that she felt it necessary to block Edward from seeing it.

Did she see her gift being used as a weapon by the Volturi?

I knew her leaving was somehow necessary to protect us. But that didn't make her absence any easier. Or our path any clearer. I felt blind without her visions…

The last face I was missing, the one I most longed to see, was my Esme's.

So fierce in her ability to love, this was her worst nightmare. A family divided, a child being threatened, and the consequences of this confrontation hanging unknown over our heads like the blade of a guillotine.

I could only imagine that her mind was churning out countless outcomes driving her mad with worry.

Over the past few days, she had remained in the background of the preparatory activity, choosing to either journal or spend time with Renesmee. Although I knew the child brought her happiness, I saw sadness reflected in her eyes. She so feared the loss of another child.

My heart ached to comfort and protect her, but I did not have the words. I would not offer false assurances that 'everything would be alright'. I would not insult her intelligence that way. And in return, I knew she would not voice her concerns as to add to my burden. So we were silent, communicating instead through touch: hand-holding and tender caresses when alone.

But it wasn't enough. Esme sustained me and without our connection, I could feel myself unraveling. To escape from this reality, my mind frequently ventured back to our happier times. Our future was too painfully unclear…

How long Edward had been standing behind me, I do not know, but his gentle tone led me to believe he was well aware of my thoughts.

"Are you ready?" he asked quietly.

_Yes...just counting my blessing before we leave…_

Neither of us wanted to take this trip. We didn't want to leave the ones we loved. I grimaced as I reflected on how quickly things had changed: the field that was once our play ground was now a killing ground -- a battlefield.

"It's my fault, Carlisle," Edward said grudgingly. "I'm sorry I have brought this upon the family. I can still take Bella and Renesmee and make a run for it."

I slung my pack over my shoulder, reluctantly accepting that Esme would not show for an emotional farewell. I turned to face Edward.

"No, my son. This has to end here. If Aro and the Volturi have come believing we harbor an immortal child, we will convince them this is not the case. However, if they have come for something more, it needs to be witnessed. We must stand united."

I became aware that the front room of the house, which had been filled with the voices of our family, friends and allies, had become silent as Edward and I took our leave. I felt their eyes upon us, but I did not look back. I knew the only face I wanted to see was not there. We left without a word.

Edward and I walked toward the field like two convicted men heading to the gallows.

Conscious that I needed to maintain more than just a brave face with Edward, I focused my thoughts on our offensive strategies. I tried to envision the positive outcome I had asked Siobhan to project.

"Esme is strong, Carlisle. And Carmen and Eleazar will look after her."

_No fooling the mind-reader._

"Even without my gift, I would have known your thoughts are of her. My thoughts are of Bella and Renesmee. And, quite frankly, it is driving me mad."

I looked with pity at my first child. His road to love and family had been so long and difficult. He and Bella found each other and persevered through so many challenges. Hadn't they gone through enough? This just didn't seem fair.

Edward snorted, "Couldn't agree more."

As our journey continued in silence, the snow began to fall. It was past midnight when we finally we arrived at the place where we would make our stand.

_And now we wait..._

"Believing you are powerful is a dangerous thing," I said, breaking the monotony of our soundless vigil.

Edward raised his eyes to mine, waiting for my point.

"I distained the Volturi way of existence – feeding on innocent life – but I respected what they stood for. Order and maintenance of secrecy was vital to the survival of our kind. And they took up that torch. Knowing that they were on duty made me feel…safe.

Now I see that this complacency allowed them the opportunity to become absorbed in their 'mission' and amass a formidable fighting force. While we looked the other way, they went from watchdogs to dictators. And we all let that happen.

I believed in them, but I should have known that unchallenged power always corrupts."

Suddenly the weight of the event that was upon us came crashing down on me. "Eleazar is right. They've come to destroy the only coven that has grown large enough to question to their power. My quest to live a moral life has put the family in the Volturi cross hairs. I've made us a Volturi target, Edward."

As soon as I spoke my declaration of guilt, I was ashamed of my weakness. On the eve of battle, the last thing a leader should do is show doubt. I had to be strong for Edward –for all of them.

Edward dropped his eyes. Had I crushed his hope?

"No." Edward spoke with conviction.

"You're right – there is still hope for a victory…" I tried to quickly backpedal.

"That's not what I am referring to."

_I don't understand, Edward._

"_We_ need to be strong for _you_. Our coven, indeed, our family, could not have a greater leader. You have led by example and we respect and follow you, not simply because of a vegetarian lifestyle, but because of who you are. Your inner strength and ability to love draws others to you like a beacon – allies and enemies alike.

What Aro saw transpire between Alice, Bella and myself in Volterra scared and confused him. He doesn't understand the bonds created when love and respect is part of the equation. These concepts are completely foreign to him and to the Volturi. And they seek to destroy what they cannot understand or control. They see it as a threat.

So it is our turn to stand by you. And even in the face of possible destruction, not one of us would ever regret following you. What we have is worth defending. You have set the bar – what we all aspire to be."

_That was never my intention._

"And that's the difference, Carlisle. You never chose to lead – others chose to follow you."

Edward's eyes briefly lost focus. "Someone wants to speak with you. Alone. I'll do a perimeter check and see if I can detect anything."

With that Edward blurred out of sight.

I waited for my unknown visitor, but it wasn't long before I picked up the familiar scent: roses and the fragrance of the air after a spring rain shower. I drank it in like a man dying of thirst. It was life-giving. It was my Esme.

She approached the clearing slowly. As soon as she emerged from the woods, I hurried to close the empty space between us. I gathered her in a tight embrace and buried my face in her hair. Again I breathed deeply to take in her scent.

When I drew back, her eyes gave her away. I could see it wasn't easy for her to come here.

"Why did you come, Esme?"

"I stumbled across a gift I bought you for Christmas. I must have forgotten it."

Esme pulled a gray cashmere scarf from the inside pocket of her jacket. She stood on her toes to wrap it around my neck. Her scent leapt from it to my nose.

At last she let her eyes meet mine and forced her lips into a tight smile.

"Why did you really come here? Vampires don't forget," I gently reminded her.

Her eyes darkened and the anguish on her face crushed me. When she spoke, her voice faltered, "Not enough time, Carlisle…"

I quickly tried to reassure her, "We're ready for the Volturi. Everyone knows their role…"

"No, not the Volturi, Carlisle. Us. It's too soon for good bye."

Esme's body began to buckle under the overwhelming emotions that she had be keeping bottled up. I eased her to the ground and held her close, rocking slowly.

'I'm sorry, Carlisle. I kept my distance trying not to burden you with my fears, but I had to come. I had to tell you that I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Don't give up yet, my dear. The Volturi _will _underestimate our greatest strength – love. Their allegiance was created by hate, cruelty and intimidation. These bonds will crumble when tested. And that _will_ be their downfall."

I felt renewed hope. I truly believed the words I spoke and the fervor in my voice soothed Esme's trembling.

"_Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to Love,_" Esme quietly recited the ancient quotation. "I surrendered my heart to you long ago, Carlisle. Since then I have known love, devotion and happiness. I believe in you. In us. I will stand with you and our family when the Volturi arrive, but not with hate in my eyes or on my lips. Only with love in my heart."

I held her face in my hands and kissed her sweet lips. We clung to each other on the frozen ground while the snow began to accumulate around us.

As the first rays of the sun pushed weakly through the heavy clouds, I heard Edward's footfalls announcing his return. I pulled the scarf Esme gave me to my nose and breathed deeply.

Now I was ready.

Let them come…

* * *

_End Notes: Thank you for reading. This is how I envisioned Esme and Carlisle handling the impending battle. I know they would want to be together, but would honor their obligations first. What do you think?_

_More insights into Carlisle and Esme moments coming soon! Your input is welcome -- what moments intrigue you?_

The parent story of this series, _Carlisle and Esme: How the Love Story Began,_ has been nominated for a Moonlight Award - Best Romance (Complete). I would be so honored, if you enjoyed this story, if you could give it a vote! Voting takes place August 18 through September 1, 2009. You can link to the site through my profile or go to **themoonlightawards(dot)yolasite(dot)com.** Thank you so much for your time...


	3. My Decision Chicago 1918

**My Decision – Chicago 1918**

Summary: Carlisle arrives for another shift in a Chicago hospital during the peak of the the Influenza pandemic. What happens that night changes his existence...

SM owns Twilight

* * *

_So much death. Such a waste… _

I arrived early for my shift in the over-crowded quarantine ward. The instant I entered the ward, my senses were assaulted by the repugnant sights, sounds and smells of impending death.

The ward _looked_ the same as yesterday: rows and rows of identical beds occupied by lethargic patients whose incessant coughing filled the air with disease and fear. But tonight many of the faces were different – new victims to replace those who had succumbed to the 'blue death'. At least that's what some called it. Most knew it as Spanish Influenza.

It struck Chicago with a vengeance turning this thriving city into a ghost town. The only inhabitants that roamed the streets were either recently orphaned children or the infected who were exiled from their homes by family members hoping to save themselves.

Not since the Great Plague struck London in 1665 had I seen such human devastation. In that one year, the Black Death killed 100,000 people -- almost a quarter of the my city's population. Those were dark days.

These days looked to be worse.

This infection was unpredictable. Sometimes, it took the course of a typical flu: sore throat, headaches and fever.

However, in many patients, the disease quickly progressed to something much worse than the sniffles. For these unlucky souls, extreme chills and fatigue were accompanied by fluid in the lungs. Deprived of oxygen, victims' faces would take on a bluish cast and their bodies would shake with unbearable coughing. Once the blue telltale signs of cyanosis appeared, death was imminent.

As one of only a handful of physicians who dared to step foot in this death zone, I reluctantly found my most valued service was signing an unending flow of death certificates. All I could do for my doomed patients was hold their hands, wipe their brow, and promise they hadn't much longer to suffer. I detested my powerlessness in the face of such suffering.

Making matters worse was the fact that I had to return home for 'rest' every twelve hours. It felt more like cowardice. Ultimately, I was only protecting myself. I had to perfectly maintain my charade as a human in this very human environment. Every day I bore witness to the fragility of human life. I saw mortality. It was a painful reminder of what had been forcibly taken from me so long ago…

Snapping out of my self-centered thoughts, I focused my attention to the hospital workers. At first glance, viewing them walk slowly between the rows of beds, it would appear to be an uneventful night. But the vacant look on their faces belied the horrors they had seen. They lived a nightmare.

It was truly difficult to maintain hope in this God-forsaken part of the hospital.

My morbid thoughts had me slipping into despair. I could not continue to feel powerless and hopeless, so I challenged myself to accept a new mission: no loss of life would be insignificant on my shift. I could not save patients, but I could honor and recognized them as individuals. See them as people who loved and were loved. I would do this especially for those who had no one left to mourn their death.

The first bed I approached held a woman I had admitted to the ward only two days ago. I removed the chart that hung crookedly on the rusted rail of her bed. "Elizabeth Masen," I spoke her name aloud as a gesture of respect for her identity. To my surprise, her brilliant green eyes sprang open.

I noticed a subtle shade of blue coloring her lips. _Damn, that had not been there yesterday…_

Despite her pallor, her gaze was strong, locking with mine. Her jaw jutted forward and I could tell she wanted no pity or false assurances from me. She knew her fate and she was going to face it with dignity and courage. I marveled at her noble spirit.

Then I recognized something else in her eyes – conviction. Something was pushing this woman forward when others had surrendered to this disease.

"Mrs. Masen, do you remember me?" I asked.

"Dr. Cullen," she rasped before lapsing into a violent coughing attack. I reached out and took her hand as she continued to stare into my eyes. Her flesh burned against mine and her facial features told of her struggle. Elizabeth's cheeks were sunken and her eyes were lined with dark shadows. She parted her dry, cracked lips and pulled me toward her. Though she was very ill, I was amazed by her strength.

I crouched down close to her as she breathed barely above a whisper, "Help him."

"Who Elizabeth? Who keeps you fighting?"

"Edward, my son. Help him."

She dragged her focus from me to the bed on her left side where her son lay. Again she convulsed into a fit of coughing.

I quickly evaluated Edward. Perspiration beaded on his forehead. His fever was out of control, dehydrating his body and damaging his internal organs. Edward's heart rate was erratic and his respirations labored. His body had already given up on maintaining consciousness.

I looked back at Elizabeth trying to not to show the reality of the situation in my eyes: her son might precede her in death.

In that moment I couldn't help but wonder, as I had so many times before, when do I offer the truth crushing any hope for a miracle and when do I provide comfort in the form of a little white lie?

I compromised: "I promise to care for him."

Again her piercing green eyes bore into mine. They seemed to look past my presence and into my soul. It was unnerving yet riveting. When she spoke again, her words carried the weight of her remaining existence.

"You must do everything in _your_ power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edward."

Instinctively, I drew back from her. Disbelief and shock coursed through me. Did this woman know my secret?

She had not released her grip on my hand, in fact, she held it tighter. "Please," she pleaded, "promise me, Dr. Cullen. Save him!"

"I will." I was so entranced by her intensity that the vow escaped my lips before I had a chance to consider its meaning. How could I deny her dying wish?

I had been contemplating creating a companion. My choice of a 'vegetarian' lifestyle made me unique, one-of-a-kind -- alone. At times I thought I may go insane from the centuries of solitude that weighed on me. And now someone was giving me permission to create that companion.

As the night wore on, Elizabeth's fever escalated. I continued to sit at her bedside as her body and mind slowly lost the fight. I wondered if securing my promise to save her son allowed her to let go.

My mind began to race. Forming a plan…

I understood how my own creation into this immortal life had occurred. I could duplicate the injuries – just bite and _stop_. But could I do that? More importantly, _should _I do it? Certainly not to anyone who had another choice.

But Edward had no other choice.

I could save him.

I could end my isolation.

I could have what had been stripped from me – hope, future, belonging, love.

I could create someone like me. Or…

Or I could create a monster. A crimson-eyed killer.

No. I could not live knowing that I created someone who took innocent human life. Not after all I have done to turn my curse into a gift that saved.

If that happened, I would need to destroy that being. It would be my duty.

_Duty._ It was tied to my oath as a physician. I swore to never cause harm to anyone. And this defined who I was professionally and personally. _I_ chose who I would be. But would I have that ability to choose for someone else – someone I created?

I did not have the luxury of time to work out my uncertainty. It was the moment of truth – Edward would not survive much longer.

As if on cue, Elizabeth's eyes flashed through my mind. They choose my course of action.

Quickly I wheeled him to the morgue – next to his mother. There was so much death all around; no one would miss one more victim.

My thoughts continued to nag at me: Would my God approve? Would Edward approve?

My actions would bind his soul to this world. The whose forgiveness I would want more – God's or Edward's once he realized what he was to become?

Elizabeth's plea echoed urgently in my head.

And I acted.

Tonight I would save Edward from death…and also condemn him to an eternity of it.

He would become like me – a vampire.

* * *

_End Notes: Thanks for reading. So is this how you saw it happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts..._

_Please consider leaving a comment/review. I would so consider it a gift!_

_Educational Note: In 1918, an influenza pandemic swept across the world and killed more than 20 million people. From September 1918 to April 1919, more than 25% of the U.S. population became ill and approximately 500,000 Americans died. __The Great Influenza Pandemic of 1918 was commonly known as the Spanish flu, although in Spain it was known as the French flu. Because of Spain's neutrality during World War I, early outbreaks of influenza were readily reported by Spain's uncensored press. However, wartime censorship in other countries suppressed the news that millions of people throughout the world had become infected leading people to believe that the infection was mostly in Spain._


	4. The Prodigal Son

**The Prodigal Son**

_Summary: Edward left the family and has entered his rebellious years. While we know what Edward chooses to do in that time, what effect did it have on Carlisle and Esme? What choices did they make? Could a parent ever really let go of a child? **Warning:** this chapter contains violence._

_SM owns Twilight_

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**__**Chicago's Killer of Killers: Savior or Villain? **_

The extra-large headline of the _Herald Examiner_ made me nauseous -- something I hadn't felt since I awoke nine years ago to learn I was to exist eternally on a diet of blood.

I crumpled the paper and flung it across the room with all my strength. I wanted to destroy it. Unfortunately, it was only paper and it bounced harmlessly off the living room wall.

It had, however, made enough racket to draw Carlisle out of his study. Something I had not intended to do. I refused to meet his eyes when he entered the room.

Wordlessly he picked up the paper and smoothed it out to examine the source of my obvious displeasure.

"Do you still think they are referring to Edward?"

I turned my head and bit my lip. It seemed we were always rehashing the same issues.

My memory replayed the conversation Carlisle and I had before Edward left. I had asked Carlisle repeatedly if he'd noticed the changes in Edward. Did he observe how he seemed? But as an ER physician, Carlisle had been trained to be reactive, not proactive. So he wanted to take a wait-and-see approach to whatever was going on with Edward.

But my concern had always been that Edward was frozen developmentally as an adolescent. Carlisle had changed him at such a young age that I worried if he would ever be able to transition to an adult way of thinking and behaving.

As a teenager, I understood his need to question his role in this world. But there was something more – he seemed weary from carrying a weight too heavy to bear any longer.

As I began to observe him more closely, I noticed his eyes remained dark. Even though he hunted more frequently, it appeared his thirst was never fully quenched.

Internally, I sympathized with him on how hard it was to maintain a 'vegetarian' lifestyle. The thirst and its burn were constant nagging companions.

While Carlisle had mastered his thirst and learned to suffer silently with the burn, for Edward and me, it took constant control to abstain from human blood and endurance to deal with the burn. It was exhausting at times.

However, where Edward and I differed was our reason for suffering. Carlisle and I had faith that God would judge our souls on our behavior – who we were, not what we were. I had hope for my soul.

Edward did not.

He believed we had forsaken our souls for the benefits of immortality. He saw nothing after this life and that made him question the reason for his suffering. For him, there was nothing to be gained by sacrificing.

His logic had him lost in a vicious circle: the more Edward questioned his existence, the stronger the burn, and the angrier he became with Carlisle for bringing him into this life. As the philosophical distance between them grew, the less Edward listened to his father.

Once he lost connection with Carlisle, Edward became hopeless.

I watched my loving son become a shadow of himself.

The beautiful piano music playing that reflected his inner soul became erratic and confused before disappearing altogether.

When Edward had become completely quiet and withdrawn, Carlisle was grateful for the peace. They had verbally spared on philosophical reasons for denying our vampirism until Carlisle was exhausted. But Edward's silence concerned me. I believed it was only the eye of the hurricane.

He had become so distant from Carlisle and I that I became anxious. Fearing he would leave, I had refused to leave him alone. I think it bought some more time with him, but ultimately it did not result in a change of heart.

In the end, he left one night while we hunted. He used Lake Superior as his escape route. Edward knew I'd follow his scent to the ends of the Earth if need be, so he left no scent for me to follow.

_Now our son has been missing for three years. _

The hole his absence left in me aches worse than the constant burn in my throat. It grates on me every day.

Disappointingly, Carlisle seemed to accept his leaving – and this drove a wedge between us.

In my effort to do _something_, I had been going to the market in town daily to pick up the newspaper from various cities hoping to learn of his whereabouts.

A few weeks ago I began following a story about a string of brutal killings in Chicago. Not that murder in Chicago wasn't almost commonplace. With the enactment of Prohibition, the mob had slowly taken over the city. The Capone gang was in the process of usurping all the power and killings were daily occurrences. And that's exactly what set these murders apart – they were not mob related.

Carlisle still stood before me holding the paper and waiting for the response he could have predicted. But I said it anyway… "Please Carlisle; I've got to know if it's Edward! We need to find our son and bring him home!"

My words caught in my throat and overwhelming frustration threatened to cut them off completely. I had tried waiting for Edward to return, I had tried praying and I even tried to adopt Carlisle's endless patience, but nothing worked. Now I needed to take action. I was intent on searching for Edward until I found him.

"Esme, I know this is upsetting, I acutely miss Edward's presence too, but if he wanted to come home, he would. We have to be patient."

_Patient. Oh, how I have come to hate that word!_

"He's young and he has to find his own path in life, not one that we chose for him," Carlisle reasoned.

Undeterred, I pressed my case further…

"You're right, he is young. He is going to make mistakes. But he lacks life experience on which to base good decisions. He was so inexperienced when you changed him. What if he's gotten himself in trouble and needs our help? We can't just abandon him!"

"Esme, I am not going to argue this with you -- again."

As Carlisle turned to leave the room, I flew in front of him to cut off his escape.

"Why? Why won't you do something?"

Why was Carlisle so apathetic? It appeared as if he was not interested in knowing what had happened to our son.

Carlisle did not answer my challenge, in fact, he looked away. So I continued to aggressively press my point.

"We've tried it your way, now were going to try it my way. We're going to Chicago."

"I cannot go," Carlisle responded not meeting my intent gaze.

Then, to my surprise, he turned his back on me and began to leave the room.

My anger boiled over. For the first time, I hurled hateful words at my husband, "Why don't you start acting like a real father? Why don't you care about him?"

His response was swift – and full of rage. Spinning around to face me, Carlisle grabbed a silver candlestick from the end table.

"You think I don't care!"

And as if to emphasize his words, he sent the candlestick crashing through the living room wall. Carlisle's dark eyes bore into mine.

I stepped back, not out of fear, but out of regret that I had pushed him to the point of losing control. The tension between us had been brewing for some time and now it exploded – much like the living room wall that I now needed to mend.

After glaring at each other for several seconds, I averted my eyes and breathed deeply.

"Carlisle, my words were poorly chosen. Of course you care. I just don't understand your lack of effort to find our son. Our family is broken. _I_ feel broken…"

My sincere words broke through Carlisle's icy exterior and he melted, "I'm sorry for my outburst, there's no excuse for that kind of behavior."

Suddenly he seemed to lose all strength and dropped to the floor. He sat slumped over and cradled his head in his hands.

I had never seen him in such a distressed state. Just as quickly as it had come, my anger evaporated and I anxiously rushed to his side to comfort him. He was my strength and it crippled me to see him so upset.

"Carlisle, we can fix this. Together we can," I urged as I rubbed his back to console him.

Carlisle shook his head, which he still cradled.

I insisted, "Yes, yes we can. We can end this."

"Esme, that's what I've feared – how this will end. I kept telling myself if I didn't know where Edward was, there was nothing I could do. But now, I can't deny it anymore. I have to stop him."

"And we will, dear. We will bring him home."

"And if he refuses? If he won't listen to reason?" I sensed there was something more to Carlisle's questions…

"He will," I said, stubbornly clinging to my belief that Edward would much prefer our loving home to any nomadic deviant life he was leading.

Carlisle stiffened and snatched up the newspaper. His eyes met mine -- they were gravely serious. "Esme, pardon my bluntness, but you don't understand what we are up against. In all my existence as a vampire, I have _never_ seen anyone who has known the pleasure of human blood to renounce that way of life. The burn and the thirst wore Edward down. Now he satisfies his thirst _and_ appeases his conscience by hunting killers." Carlisle waved the newspaper in front of me before continuing, "He believes he is offering this world a service while not denying his _true_ nature! What do we have to offer him that can compete with that?"

Carlisle's words tore into me. I _would not_ think of our son as a murderer. It would crush what little hope I had left.

"We have our love to offer, Carlisle. Our son has a true heart and soul. The vile thoughts that pollute his mind and the lives he takes may quench his thirst, but it will not sustain him indefinitely. It will destroy him."

Carlisle hung his head, "Maybe it already has, Esme. We may never find the Edward we knew. One thing I do know is that I can't let him continue to take human lives – no matter how evil those lives are. I made a promise long ago that I have to keep."

"I don't understand – what promise?"

Carlisle leaned against the couch and let his head fall back onto the cushions. He sighed heavily. I knew I was about to hear something he had never intended to share with anyone.

"When I promised Elizabeth Masen I would save her son, I also made a vow to God that I would not bring another monster into this world. Creating you and Edward came with a serious compromise on my part – I did it knowing that one day I might have to destroy what I created."

His words accosted me like a slap on the face.

"You….you would _destroy _our son?"

"He's not our son anymore," Carlisle said bitterly. He threw down the paper and darted out of the house.

I remained frozen on the floor long after Carlisle left as our words replayed in my head.

What had I just done? Instead of leading a rescue party to save my son, I had created a hunting party.

Panic welled up inside of me. My broken family was now on the verge of utter destruction! I had lost my son and I could lose my husband as well -- if Edward was indeed fueled by hatred and human blood, would he would be stronger than Carlisle.

"My God, help me," fell from my lips.

But I knew prayer alone would not solve the problems I faced. I needed to _do_ something.

It was not a well thought out plan, there wasn't time for that.

I left no note. Carlisle would figure out where I was going. I just hoped my head start would give me the time I needed.

With just the front page of the newspaper as a guide, I left the house in all haste. If I kept this pace, I could reach Chicago in less than six hours…

* * * *

The paper detailed the areas of Chicago were bodies had been found. While I knew Edward would not remain in one certain location, visiting the scene of the crimes seemed like a good place to start.

The neighborhoods I found myself in were crowded with tenement buildings that housed hundreds of people with only the most basic amenities. The slums.

I slunk around in the shadows avoiding the watchful eyes I could feel in the darkness.

Prohibition had fostered crime and Chicago provided it a stronghold. The corruption here was so thorough; people couldn't even trust the police. It was a place where the desperate and the powerful lived in a destructive parasitic relationship.

To find Edward I knew I had to concentrate my efforts on my senses of hearing and smell. At the same time, I had to be careful my thoughts didn't reach him first…

I decided to travel by night across the close roof tops while I searched.

Two nights into my search, I picked up on a sound – the crunch of bones being snapped. It was similar to the sound of our prey when we broke their necks prior to feeding.

I honed in on the sound and bolted. Soon I caught Edward's scent. Although I recognized it, it was different. Somehow off. No doubt as a result of his chosen diet. I silently prayed that, like his scent, parts of my Edward would remain _mostly _unchanged.

When I arrived at the scene where his scent was concentrated, I could not find him. Distracted by my thoughts of what to do next, I didn't immediately realize my mouth had filled with venom. The amount was so copious that I gagged and was forced to spit it out versus swallowing. My eyes instinctively searched the darkness for the source of my response.

There, in the cramped alley filled with trash and scampering rats, I saw him. The body was nearly beheaded. He was shirtless and what little blood remained in his body oozed from the words carved deeply across his chest: murderer.

Horror washed over me. I ran blindly wanting to put distance between myself and the reality that threatened to engulf me: _we were monsters._

Once hidden on a rooftop, I shrunk into a shadowy corner. Nothing in my experience had prepared me for what I just saw. Or for the truth that Edward was indeed a killer. Now I understood Carlisle's denial – this was just too raw, too real.

I fervently tried to push the image from my mind, wishing with all my might that I could somehow _unsee_ it. I knew the effort was futile – it would haunt me forever.

Unwillingly, Carlisle's words seeped into my brain, "_He's not our son anymore…_"

As I cowered, I felt torn in different directions. At once I knew if I hoped to succeed in my mission, I needed to track Edward quickly before I lost his trail. But another part of me knew I was in over my head. Carlisle was right; I was too inexperienced to comprehend what I had gotten myself into.

_If I just stay put, Carlisle will eventually find me. He'll embrace me, comfort me and take me home…_

Home. Where I'd miss Edward once more and curse my weakness…

No, I would be strong. For Edward. For Carlisle.

I drew myself up to my full height and headed back in the direction from which I had fled. I picked up Edward's trail…

I followed it several blocks north. Once on street level, I knew I was close.

The alleys between the buildings formed a maze of narrow passages. They were shadowy and smelled of urban decay. The stench of rotting trash made following Edward's scent challenging. I crept along slowly and silently hunting for what I knew was close…

"Go home, Esme."

The sound of Edward's voice startled me. I stopped and searched the darkness for his face -- hoping it would be less harsh than his disembodied voice.

I caught sight of him sitting above me on a 2nd story ledge.

_No Edward, I won't go without you. _

I let the words fiercely fill my mind, knowing my voice would falter if I spoke the words. I had to at least feign the strength I didn't feel.

"You don't belong here."

"Neither do you."

"This is my home, Esme."

In all my efforts to find him, I had forgotten that this was the city Edward had spent all of his human life. Is that why he had come here? To 'save' his city?

"It was your home, Edward. Now your home is with Carlisle and I. We love you."

"I couldn't ignore the corruption here. The weak are preyed upon. I protect them – I am saving innocent lives. Aren't you _proud_?"

His cynical tone sent chills down my spine.

"Are you proud of yourself, Edward? Is this what you want for your eternal life?"

His response was full of fury, "I don't have _a life_. I have an existence. My life was taken from me and replaced with damnation! I have felt its burn every second of every minute. And Carlisle expects me to suffer this pain for eternity? I am not strong enough, Esme. I couldn't bear it anymore."

I decided to play devil's advocate, "So you are happy with the life you have chosen?"

"My thirst is quenched by those who have forsaken their humanity. Those who feel no remorse for the wicked crimes they plan and carry out. But when they look into my eyes and see death, then they call out to their God and repent."

He leaned toward me from the ledge. "Did you know I can hear their cries echoing in their killers' minds? I can hear how their victims begged for their lives. But they were shown no mercy, why should I show mercy?"

I flinched from the surge of hate that Edward pushed in my direction. I started to fear he was lost -- I heard little to tell me _my_ Edward was still here…

"You didn't answer my question, are you happy in this way of life?"

"_Happy_? Am I _happy?_" he scoffed. "Life in the real world is not the happy-ever-after bubble you and Carlisle live in. It's brutal and ugly. It's about power, greed and vengeance."

"And it's consuming you, Edward! Surround yourself with hatred and you will know only hatred! You can't change the world. You can only change what you have control over – you can only change yourself."

"I can't change what I am."

"So when will your killing ever stop? You think that by marking your victims with their crimes you will deter others? It's not that simple…murder has been on this Earth since Cain and Able. It's not going to stop because you have arrived.

Actually, I think you are becoming the victim. Your hatred is crushing you – it is killing you bit by bit! But it's not too late to save yourself – _to_ _save our family_," I pleaded.

Edward let out a sour laugh. He leapt from the ledge and landed inches from me.

"Look at me!" he snarled, "Can you look into these eyes and say you _love_ me?"

Edward's blazing red eyes pierced my heart, but I refused to cringe away from him. That would only add fuel to his fire.

"Yes, I love you. Carlisle and I need you more than the world needs another glorified killer."

I weighed my next words carefully uncertain if they would they help or hurt my mission...

"Edward, he's coming. Your father is coming for you."

"I know. He's here already. I've heard his thoughts," Edward replied calmly.

Shocked at this revelation, I looked around expecting to see Carlisle emerging from the shadows.

Edward responded to my thoughts, "He's not found us yet. He's worried about you, Esme. And he is very angry with me and with what I have done to force his hand. I guess I finally wore down his endless patience."

There was no satisfaction in his voice. In fact, he sounded regretful. Knowing that this might be the one chance I had to crack through his defenses, I dared to reach out and touch Edward's hand. He did not withdrawal from my touch.

I spoke as kindly and deliberately as I could. I felt like this was the only life line I could toss to Edward. It was my all or nothing. Either my words would influence him or he would be lost to me.

"Edward, we all can choose how we want to define ourselves. How you see yourself and how others view you are within your power.

You may ease your thirst through the killing of others and justify it, but when you look in the mirror or in the minds of your victims, you will always see a monster. Instead, you can chose goodness for its own sake and see you thirst not as a thirst, but as a badge of honor that you chose not to let your desires and instinct rule your life.

Prove yourself deserving of love, Edward. That is the real challenge in this life– and it comes with lasting rewards."

We stared at each other for a brief instant before Edward appeared distracted. His eyes narrowed and he whipped his head to the left. Just as quickly, he turned back to me with a look of horror.

"Esme, you have to leave _now_!"

_No, Edward, please! _The words filled my head as I realized my only chance to free my son from his warped mission was to be denied. All the air escaped my chest -- I couldn't speak even if I tried.

"Leave! Go now! I don't want you to see…"

His words broke off and his facial expressions changed so quickly, I couldn't read into them.

_Son, what is going on?_

His face then set like stone. He appeared…menacing. He dropped into a crouch and was ready to strike.

Terrified, I closed my eyes and braced for impact.

Instead of being struck by Edward's weight, I felt only a whoosh of air. I opened my eyes and spun around to see he had bounded over me and pounced on a stout middle-aged man who had just entered the alley through a back door. The man never had a chance to view what was coming before Edward was upon him. Was this man the reason Edward had been in this alley, perched on a ledge like a bird of prey waiting for his next meal to arrive?

Edward seized the man by the lapels of his coat and lifted him straight up in the air before slamming him against the brick building. The shock of Edward's assault dazed him, but his eyes grew wide.

"Please, please…" the stranger begged.

Edward sneered up at the terrified man, "How much did they pay you to end her life?"

"What? I don't know…"

But before he could finish his denial, Edward threw him like a child's rag doll across the alley. He hit the wall and slumped to the ground. Edward hovered over him. "How much?" he roared.

"Okay, okay," the man conceded raising his hands toward Edward as if to fend off another attack. "Five hundred for the hit. I'll….I'll cut you in for half!"

"Two hundred and fifty dollars? Is that what your life is worth?" Edward questioned.

"My life?" Fear and confusion colored the man's voice.

"Oh, yes. You see, I am not here to extort money from you. I'm here to kill you."

The calmness of Edward's voice was chilling. Then realization struck me hard – Edward was to commit murder right in front of my eyes. My mind screamed for me to act.

At once, Edward spun his head in my direction. He knew I planned to stop him – my thoughts having traveled faster that my feet could carry me forward.

Before I could reach the two men, Edward again heaved the man into the air. Though he glared into his victim's eyes, I knew the words he quietly spoke were meant for me…

"_I'm sorry_."

"No, Edward! No!" I screamed out loud this time.

Edward hurled the man against the wall of the opposite building.

The force of the impact created an unsettling sound of splintering bones and squelching internal organs. The man crumpled to the ground in a lifeless heap.

It stopped me dead in my tracks with barely inches between me and Edward.

"My God, Edward. What have you done?"

"He was a hit man! He kills for money. Don't you see? I have just saved countless lives! And I have prevented countless parents from having to grieve the loss of a child. Esme, surely _you_ can understand how that feels?" He reached out and gripped my shoulders desperate for my approval of his actions.

My mind was numb with the violence I had just witnessed. I couldn't work out the moral dilemma of his actions. I only knew how I felt at this moment.

"Yes, I know how it feels to grieve the loss of a child – I am now grieving for my only living son. For his loss and for the loss of my family. I may be wrong and selfish, Edward, but I can't put myself in the shoes of another parent who may lose a child someday in the future. I can only see what is before me now – the son that I love who has chosen a path to his own destruction."

Disappointed, Edward dropped his arms and averted his eyes.

"Carlisle. He heard your scream. He'll be here very soon."

When Edward looked at me again, it was to find my decision. He knew I had to make difficult choice – would I lead his father to him for punishment or would I protect him.

I had to chose who would I betray – my husband or my son.

"Go, Edward! Go. Leave Chicago through Lake Michigan. I'll deal with your father." _I couldn't stand to lose you both. I guess my only choice is to let you go. I will not come looking for you again…_

With my parting thoughts, Edward bolted out of the alley. I breathed a sigh of relief – Edward chose not to fight his father.

I only had to wait several minutes before Carlisle found me -- as unresponsive as Edward's latest victim.

* * * *

Somehow I had managed to convince Carlisle to take me home after that difficult night six months ago.

Edward must have complied with my request to leave Chicago as the stories of the 'strange' murders never appeared in the Herald Examiner again.

Carlisle and I do not discuss our son's absence anymore, but not a single day goes by that I don't stop to linger at Edward's piano and run my fingers gently over its still keys. His scent still clings to the hushed instrument.

On this day, as I waited for Carlisle to return from his shift at the hospital, I sat at length on Edward's piano bench letting my mind dwell on the dulcet melodies he once played.

The chime of the door bell took me by surprise. Not that the chime alarmed me, it was the fact that I did not hear our visitor approach the house.

Cautiously I approached the door only to be overjoyed by the sight of my unexpected guest – it was Edward!

His _golden _eyes tentatively looked at mine but he made no move toward me as I threw open the door.

But I had seen what I needed to see – his amber eyes spoke all I needed to know. Edward had a change of heart – he was truly home.

I embraced him with all my strength and sobbed into his shoulder.

"I can see my way more clearly through these eyes, mom. I want to be worthy of your love…of a mother's love. Can you and Carlisle ever take me back after what I have done?"

"Edward," I cried out, "My heart never let you go!"

"How can I ever make it up to you?"

He asked so sincerely, I felt I had to reply.

I pulled away from him, smiled. I took his hand and led him over to the piano that had been silent for too long. "Could you compose something just for me?"

* * *

_End Notes: This one-shot is different from what I usually write -- So I am eager for feedback. Your time is appreciated. _

_More one-shots to be added soon..._


	5. Christmas Angel

**Christmas Angel**

Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Carlisle and Esme just want to be together. Unfortunately, Carlisle's job keeps them separated. But in the events that happen, they both are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. A one-shot of pure Christmas fluff!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, y'all know that, but I'm saying it cuz it was required...

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It didn't matter what the season was, the view from the window was always spectacular. On this night the sky was cold and clear and the moon's pure white light delineated the distant majestic mountain tops. The stately Ponderosa pines wore thick blankets of snow as they stood in silent watch over the twinkling ski resort in the valley. In the distance, I could hear the coyotes calling to each other. It was so stunning that tonight's scene deserved to be featured on a Christmas card. The picture perfect peaceful winter wonderland.

I loved living in Montana – a land of big sky, towering mountains and expansive plains. The Cullen's now called Whitefish home, located exactly 3000 feet up and 464 miles east of Forks. Just over a year ago, we found this large rustic home nestled in the mountain side overlooking nearby Glacier National Park and started life anew.

Turning away from the beautiful outdoor sight, my eyes met an equally lovely view inside our cozy home. Alice had decorated every inch of the house for Christmas in white twinkling lights and green holly with red berries. Her decorating had gone into double time once Renesmee was born and continued even though Nessie no longer resembled a little child.

But I didn't mind. Christmas was my favorite time of year. It was so full of joy, laughter – and love. In fact, love was in everything that surrounded me. It was in the fire that crackled in the fireplace just waiting to greet my husband when he returned home from work. And the sentiment was in the dozens of presents wrapped in carefully chosen jewel-colored paper.

But my favorite display of love was our Christmas tree.

Each of the unique ornaments adorning the oversized Christmas tree held a special meaning.

First to catch my eyes was the miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower from our recent trip to Paris. I smiled remembering how taken Renesmee had been with the sound of the French language. She took to studying it as soon as we returned and was now as fluent as any Parisian.

We also collected ornaments to commemorate each city we lived in. Our goal in that pursuit was to find the tackiest ornament so that we could have a hearty laugh instead of lamenting on how often we were forced to relocate. After all, leaving home was never easy. After chuckling at the cheese-shaped ornament from our time in Ashland, Wisconsin, I spied a porcelain fairy complete with black spiky hair, wings and a fair complexion. Alice had added it to the tree when she joined the family, as was the ritual when each member came into the fold. Catching sight of Alice's ornament inspired me to search the tree for each of my children's representations.

I quickly located Jasper's lighted confederate flag, then Rose's car ornament, which was currently her car of choice, a Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster. Attacking it was Emmett's fierce-looking grizzly bear ornament. Set apart from the rest was Edward's ornament, a hand-blown glass piano accented with gold overlay.

When it came time for Bella to choose an ornament just about eight years ago, she had added it quietly one night next to the glass piano – a picture from her and Edward's wedding day in a sterling silver heart-shaped frame. Her still-human face was aglow with love and happiness.

Then there was Nessie's ornament...actually, _ornaments_. Of course _everyone_ had bought something special to always remind us of Nessie's blessed arrival, so various versions of _'baby's first Christmas'_ peppered the tree. There were also a handful of ornaments that Nessie had chosen herself reflecting her rapid maturity and changing interests. And even without Alice's gift, I knew a wolf ornament would one day soon make an appearance on our family tree…

The last ornament I searched for was the one I had chosen to represent Carlisle and I. Two snowbirds huddled together in a nest of straw. I adjusted it slightly as it was partially covered by a loop of silver garland.

With that done, I took a few steps back to admire the tree as a whole. All the different ornaments made for a very eclectic-looking tree – _the perfect representation of our family! _

_"Family,"_ I sighed audibly. It was not a pleasant sound. I knew I had every reason to be happy – I was so blessed. But I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself. After all it was Christmas Eve -- and I was alone.

Carlisle was working Christmas Eve --again-- at the bustling North Valley Hospital Emergency Department and our children had all gone off this year on separate pursuits. Rose and Emmett escaped on a romantic getaway to Fiji, Alice and Jasper flew to Milan for some end-of-the-year high fashion shopping, and Bella and Edward were spending the holidays in Forks so Bella could be with her father and Jacob could be with Nessie _and_ his family.

It just wasn't Christmas without them.

To brighten my spirits, I popped in the CD that had arrived in the mail yesterday. It was a beautiful compilation of my favorite Christmas sung by Renesmee who was accompanied by Edward on the piano. I flopped down on the sofa facing the large picture window to soak in the view and the sweet, pitch-perfect sounds of my son and granddaughter.

But the CD was over too soon, ending in a heart-felt message from Nessie, "Merry Christmas Gramma Esme and Papa Carlisle. I love you and I miss you!"

As I sat in silence I watched heavy, dark clouds cover the brilliant moon and adorn the Earth in a fresh coat of shimmering snow. At first, the large fluffy flakes drifted and danced lazily by the window, but then they began to fall in earnest and soon occluded my view of the outdoors. It upset me to have to find another source of entertainment to bide my time. Rising in a huff, I placed another log on the fire and restarted Edward and Nessie's CD.

Glancing at the clock I saw I only had a two more hours until Carlisle would return home.

I began to sing along with Nessie to pass the time. We sang _Silent Night, I'll be Home for Christmas, Come All Ye Faithful_, and then I snickered through her rendition of _Santa Baby_. Then I heard a different melody playing from upstairs. It was my cell phone ringing out _Merry Christmas, Darling_ – the ringtone I had chosen for Carlisle!

In a shot I was flying up the stairs silently praying the hospital was sending him home early.

I dove on the bed and snatched my cell from the bedside table. Flipping it open, I couldn't help the excitement in my voice, "Carlisle, are you on your way home?"

The line was silent for just a bit too long. Not a good omen.

"Esme, dear, I'm so sorry," he replied in a hushed tone before continuing, "This storm has caused numerous car accidents and the next shift can't get in on time due to the road conditions. I'll be late getting home…oh, I got to go, another MVA victim just arrived. I'm sorry. I love you and…Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas and I…" but the phone line went dead before I could finish my sentiment. Slumping back on the bed I closed my eyes just as I heard Nessie's recorded voice drifting up from downstairs: "…I miss you."

"I miss you too, baby." I groaned before cursing the snow and the patients that kept my husband from me.

* * *

I'm coming, I'm coming," I mumbled to the nondescript voice paging my name overhead. I had practically hung up on Esme and I still couldn't move fast enough through the halls leading to the ER to stop the damn incessant pages.

As a husband, I knew I was committing the ultimate of marital mistakes – I was not home on Christmas Eve or, as it now appeared, Christmas morning. And it couldn't have happened at the worse time. Esme was home alone. If the others were there, she might not have missed my presence too much. But I wasn't that lucky.

I began mentally cursing everyone and everything that was to blame for my predicament, including the weather, the skiers that overran this small town at the holidays, the crappy winter drivers, and the staff that didn't have the common sense to drive SUVs!

"There you are, Dr. Cullen!" Nurse Diane frantically greeted me as I burst through the ER doors a little more aggressively than I should have. Ever the professional, she disregarded my obviously sour mood and began her report, "The squad just brought in a family of four. The mother is in trauma room two and the father is in room four. We kept the children together in room five."

"What are their statuses?" I asked, regaining my professional persona without slowing my pace, unintentionally forcing Diane to practically run to keep up with me.

"The father is fair condition as is the 4 year old male child. The 10 year old female has a broken femur and suffered some abdominal trauma from the seatbelt – she is in guarded condition. The mother is in serious condition. She lost a lot of blood at the scene from a laceration of the femoral artery. We hope to save her leg."

"Maybe we should hope to just save her life. Our blood supply is dangerously low," I grumbled as I hustled to trauma room two.

The second unit of blood had just started infusing when we entered the room. From around me nurses called out lab values, vital signs, and the woman's medical history as reported by her husband. I focused on my goal: stabilize her and get her up to surgery ASAP. As I ran my assessment I noted how the blood had saturating the sheets and her covering her body accented the pallor of her skin. Her heart thumped wildly. _Damn, this was not going to be my night!_

The heart monitor alarm sounded.

"Ventricular tachycardia!" the nurse shouted out, confirming my fears.

She was in hypovolemic shock – we couldn't replace her blood as quickly as she was losing it and her heart began to beat in a potentially deadly rhythm. I reached into the crash cart for drugs to constrict her vessels and send blood to her vital organs as the nurse prepared the defibrillator.

"Ventricular Fib!" the nurse called out.

I grabbed the paddles. "Clear!" I shouted, noting that all hands were indeed off the patient. Pressing the paddles to the patient's chest, her body convulsed as the electric current tried to shock her heart into a normal rhythm.

"Still V-fib," the nurse informed me as she read the heart monitor.

"Charge to 300," I hastily instructed, but the nurse had already anticipated my request. _Not_ _tonight,_ I prayed_. Don't let the children lose their mother on Christmas morning. God, please, no._

"Clear!" I called out again, tension showing in the terse tone of my voice.

Again the patient's body jolted, but this time I heard the desired effect.

The nurse half sighed when she read the motion of the line bouncing on the monitor, "Sinus rhythm."

Quickly my team stabilized her and she was rushed to surgery. Decades of experience had taught me how to adjust the volume of blood being infused and limit the amount of vasoconstrictors and with those actions, I was confident her leg could be saved – as well as her life.

With the adrenaline levels running high in the trauma room, everyone patted each other on the back and breathed a sigh of relief. While the staff debriefed and congratulated each other on a job well done, I felt pulled to trauma room five.

The children looked so small and scared as I entered the room. Their future hung on the words that I was about to deliver. I couldn't help but reflect on the fragility of human life, something I saw everyday in the ER, but it still touched me and in some strange way actually made me thankful my family was _inhuman_.

"Hello. I'm Dr. Cullen. I've been taking care of your mother," I spoke softly to comfort them.

"Mommy!" cried the young boy. "Where's my mommy!"

I picked him up, wiped his tears and carried him over to his sister. She was trying to be strong for her little brother, but my eyes could detect the quiver in her lower lip as she steeled herself for news on her mother's condition.

"There was so much blood," she said quietly as I approached, and I worried she was in a bit of a state of shock, so I smiled to reassure her.

"She was very brave and she will be better soon. The surgeons are going to take very good care of her, I promise. You will be with her for many more Christmases."

With the rush of relief, tears fell quickly and silently from her eyes. Holding her little brother in one arm, I wrapped the other around her shoulders and pulled her close in an embrace. "Go ahead. There is no shame is letting it out. You must have been very concerned for her."

"Thank you," she sniffled into my scrubs, her tears mixing with her mother's blood. "Thank you for saving my mom."

"You're welcome, dear. That's why I'm here."

And those words never rang truer than they did at this moment. I had the God-given gift to save lives and the need for me to share that gift was displayed in the relief and joy this family shared. How callous I had been to curse my presence here. God puts us in the right place at the right time and everything happens for a reason.

I heard the door open and the all the tears stopped suddenly. "Daddy!" the kids cried out in unison. Their father rushed over and I gladly handed over his children. He hugged them and then turned to me and grabbed my right hand with both of his, pumping with surprising vigor. "Thank you, thank you doctor. My wife…" he broke off and dropped his head, too overcome with emotion to finish. So I helped him, "No, thank you. Your family reminded me of an important lesson I seemed to have forgotten. Thank you for that gift on Christmas."

My words seemed to have confused him a bit, but he accepted them with a quick nod, appearing to understand that something important just happened for _both_ of us.

Leaving them, I went to get a fresh pair of scrubs. As I did so, I passed the waiting room – it was filled to capacity. I shook my head and wondered if I'd be home in time for New Year's…

After another five hours, the members of the next shift began to filter in, many having been on the roads for hours. Grateful for the relief staff, I hurried to my BMW E36 M3. It had never failed me in the snow...yet.

As I pulled out of the parking garage, I was shocked to see how much snow had truly fallen. I flipped open my phone to call Esme, but found I had no bars. Each time I tried to call her, the phone chimed with a message that read, "emergency calls only."

"This is an emergency call!" I barked at the phone. "You've obviously never seen Esme angry!"

I tossed the phone to the passenger seat deciding to keep my eyes on the road and the other drivers. An accident would considerably delay my arrival at home.

Highway 93 was in passable condition, but visibility was very poor.

In fact, I'm not exactly sure how I saw him. Why was a boy of no more than 6 years waving his arms around on the side of the road! With the conditions as bad as they were, he was lucky he hadn't been hit by a passing vehicle.

Instinctually, I slowed, but a voice whispered in my brain, _Carlisle, you need to get home. Esme has been patient enough with your need to help others. Now you need to put your wife first_.

But then I remembered the lesson I learned in the ER: We are here to be Jesus for each other.

Realizing that my abilities again put me in a position to render aid, I pulled to the side of the road and in well-rehearsed human manner, pulled my collar up and donned a ski cap in preparation for the blizzard conditions I was about to face.

"Son, what are you doing out here?" I hollered over the wind that whipped the snow around us.

"Quick, Mister, my mom needs help! The baby's coming!" he ran over to me and grabbed my arm before pulling me toward the stranded vehicle.

"Baby? Your mom – she's having a baby – _now_?"

He led me to the rear car door. I pulled it open to find a woman very much in the midst of heavy labor in the backseat of her Ford Taurus.

"_God, how much more can I really handle_?" I quipped out loud before taking in a deep breath and fluidly jumping into action.

"How far along are you?" I urgently asked assessing the girth of her abdomen and praying she was full term – it would mean all the difference in the outcome.

Breathlessly she responded, "Thirty-eight weeks. I was heading home when my water broke. I couldn't continue driving – the contractions hit so hard! I've call 9-1-1, but they haven't responded yet."

"There seems to be some interference in reception," I offered. "I can help – will you let me help you?" I looked into her frightened eyes and tried to soothe to her before going where I _definitely_ needed permission to go.

With a stunned look, she nodded.

_That 'dazzling' vampire thing does come in handy sometimes…_I mentally noted_._

The baby was already crowning and there was no waiting for help to arrive.

I turned to the young man. "What's your name?"

"Jason," he responded nervously.

"Jason, go to my car and get the blanket and bag from the trunk. Be very careful." I flipped him the keys. Turning back to the mom, I looked into her eyes and said, "It's time to push. Are you ready?"

Again, she nodded, a bit more enthusiastically this time.

Her young son retrieved my medical bag and a blanket and had moved to the front seat, looking at us with wide eyes.

Setting up what I could, I said to Jason, "Are you ready to become a big brother on Christmas? What a gift you are receiving this year, huh?"

He nodded. I laughed.

"Hold your mother's hand. The baby's coming," I instructed him.

Mother and son clasped hands and with that she beared down on the next contraction. Within 10 minutes, a new life had made its way into the world. In a message that seemed to come from above, the snow slowed and stopped as the child arrived.

"It's a girl!" I announced as I placed the warm, wet bundle in the blanket. Swaddling her tightly, I picked her up to admire the miracle of life that could never cease to amaze me.

I was so enthralled with the little life in my arms that I lacked to notice the parting of the clouds that unveiled the bright morning sun. I realized what was happening just a moment too late and for the first time, I got caught with my guard down.

I saw the looks of shock that abruptly appeared on the faces of mom and Jason. Their jaws dropped as they gazed wide-eyed at me.

"I…I…can explain," I stammered, horrified to see my glittering countenance reflected in their eyes. I waited for the screams and the looks of terror that would surely ensue for there I was – a monster in full disclosure -- holding a defenseless child.

"Mom!" Jason spoke in complete awe, "Look! It's an angel!"

Time froze while I took in his words. The words of a young child who believed. Who, on that morning, saw something other than evil in this world. But when I opened my mouth to respond, I was silenced by the sound of sirens. The ambulance had arrived.

I smiled, but knew I needed make use of their moment of confusion and innocence to make a quick exit. I handed the newborn gently to mom asking, "What are you going to name her?"

"Noel," was the mom's shaky reply, shock still playing across her face.

I grabbed my keys from Jason's hand. "God bless," I told them before racing back to my car and speeding off. I would have to be the _anonymous _angel this time.

With clear visibility I pushed the vehicle and my reflexes to their limits. I hoped I could salvage something of Christmas when I got home…

* * *

I had stayed on the bed for hours. No sense in getting up -- what was there to do? I missed Carlisle so much that it was somewhat comforting just to curl up on his side of the bed and breathe in his scent. But after a while, it wasn't enough to appease my loneliness.

Glancing again at the clock, I decided to turn on the TV and catch the morning news. Maybe I could find some kind of inspirational story that would relieve my pathetic sadness and overall feeling of lack of usefulness and importance. Being a doctor's wife was often a very thankless job.

Though it appeared the worst was over, the weather definitely was the direct cause for all the headline news reports. I had half tuned it out when I heard a familiar voice. It was one of the ER nurses Carlisle worked with. Turning my attention back to the TV, I now listened intently to her words…

"… the weather has made for a very hectic Christmas in the Emergency room. Fortunately, no lives were lost."

The camera zoomed in on the news reporter who smiled broadly into the camera, "While it's true no lives were lost on the highways today, we have learned that one life was actually _gained_!"

The camera angle widened to reveal a little boy now standing next to the reporter where the nurse had been. She leaned over and spoke to him in a cheery voice, "And could you tell us what happened to you early this morning?"

She held the microphone in front of his face as he looked up at her. "An angel gave me my baby sister."

"Really? An angel?" she questioned with obvious levity in her voice.

"Yes," said the boy excitedly, happy someone was so interested in his story. "My mom had to pull the car over when the baby started to come and I found an angel to help her!"

"How did you know he was an angel?" the reporter smirked holding the microphone back in front of the boy.

"Because he was so shiny. You know, in the sun, he sparkled," the boy replied shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal.

"_Oh, my…Carlisle_!" I breathed. My brain wanted to deny he could have revealed himself, but in my heart I knew. I knew if there was an angel out there, it was _my_ Carlisle.

The camera again narrowed in on the reporter. "So there you have it. A Christmas miracle! But I believe this little boy's mom has something she wanted to say to the…um, Christmas angel."

She held the microphone out to a smiling young woman who held a beautiful newborn baby. "Thank you, thank you so much to the kind man who stopped to help us. You really are…an angel. Thank you." Tears welled up in her eyes as she held the small bundle closer to her chest.

A smile crossed my face. A big one. "No, thank you," I uttered to the joyous woman on the screen. Her words were truly a gift to me. How could I have been so selfish to only think about myself? After all, Christmas is about giving, not receiving. Carlisle had given so many a gift through what he did day in and day out, decade after decade. How lucky I was to have such an incredible person to call mine.

My heart swelled with love for my husband. I laughed thinking of myself like the Grinch, whose heart grew at the end of the movie. And like that fictional character, I would make everything right. I looked around the room wondering where to start. Eyeing Carlisle's closet, I knew just the right inspiration could be found in there…

* * *

As I pulled into the driveway, I wondered how upset Esme was going to be. I was very late and I had not been in contact with her. How could I make it up to her? It was all I had thought about the rest of the drive home, but I couldn't come up with a suitable answer.

I worked so many Christmases and Christmas Eves. It was a regretful part of our lifestyle. Since we had to move every few years, I was always the 'new guy' on staff and therefore stuck working the big holidays that all of the docs with seniority would request off. After all, _no one_ wanted their spouse to be unhappy.

I pulled into the garage and the door hummed closed behind me. Dragging myself out of my car, I wondered how many items would be hurled in my direction when I crossed the threshold…she'd have every right, though. Maybe a good smack with an oversized candy cane would be worth it if it would make her feel better. I was willing to take the punishment without a word.

I held my eyes down when I entered the house, but quickly shut them when I heard the whoosh of something quickly approaching. I braced myself.

The impact was powerful and smelled…like _me_.

I opened my eyes to find Esme's eyes just inches from my own. She had wrapped herself around me after taking a running jump into my arms.

"Hello there, _Christmas Angel_," she winked and cooed.

I was puzzled _and speechless_, but wrapped my arms around her nonetheless, allowing them to move from her back to her bottom as she clung to me. When my hands brushed against her bare thighs, I stole a glimpse at her attire – she was wearing one of my long sleeved cotton dress shirts. And apparently, that was all she was wearing…

I cocked an eyebrow at her in question. Esme slid down my body and reached up to pull off my hat, smoothing my hair down with her hands.

"I missed you, and this was the best way to have you around me," she shrugged.

"Esme, I'm sorry I wasn't…" I started my long rehearsed apology, but she shushed me by holding one of her fingers to my lips.

"No apologies, Carlisle. None are necessary. I'm just happy you're home." With that she glanced over her shoulder and I followed her gaze to the fireplace. Our bed comforter had been spread out in front of the fire and candles adorned the mantle and the hearth. The Christmas lights twinkled and I heard the unmistakable sounds of Edward's piano playing and Renesmee's angelic singing.

My heart burned with an intense warmth that quickly encompassed all of me. _Could any man be as fortunate as I?_

I looked back into the eyes of the woman who has given me so much and was in awe by the love I saw looking back at me. "Esme, you are such a gift, how could I ever show you how much I love you?"

She smiled coyly and took my hand, leading me to the fire while unfastening the top button of the shirt she wore, "Well, it is Christmas – why don't we go over to the fire and you can…_unwrap_ your gift."

_

* * *

End Notes: _

_Thank you to everyone who has read my fanfics! This little bit of holiday fluff is meant to be my gift to you for your kindness! Merry Christmas and best wishes in the new year._


	6. Esme's New Moon

**Esme's New Moon**

_Summary: We all have something that slightly irks us about the events in the Twilight Saga. For me, it was the fact that Edward's family seemed okay with him abandoning Bella in New Moon. I just couldn't swallow that. Surely, Esme and Carlisle had something to say about Edward's ridiculous decision to leave! So here is my version of what happened at the Cullen household leading up to the day they leave from Esme's POV…_

_SM owns all of Twilight. _

* * *

I knelt on the floor to gather them up. They made loud clinking sounds as they struck each other in the trash can. But worse than that, the jagged pieces of glass represented how broken my family had now become. In a few brief seconds, so much had changed.

Jasper had attempted the ultimate of evils. He had tried to attack another family member (as I had already come to consider Bella a daughter). And although Bella suffered physical damage as a result of that attack, Jasper and Edward's relationship would also bear the scars. Could this family be mended and eventually heal as Bella's wounds would?

From the main room I stole a glance at Carlisle. He still stood at the window where he had watched Edward and Bella leave over thirty minutes ago. We would all be looking to him for strength in the aftermath of this latest catastrophe and I could sense he was preparing for the storm that would certainly come after this moment of calm. I knew to keep my distance as he gathered his thoughts.

I strained my ears to hear from my other children. Emmett had left with Rose as she would not stop raving "I told you this would happen!" Alice had not returned since she went out back to talk to Jasper.

The sound of the back door opening jolted Carlisle and I from our thoughts. Alice entered the room with a reluctant Jasper in tow. Carlisle turned from the window to face them, but did not speak, while I abandoned my cleaning attempt to stand at my husband's side.

Alice spoke first.

"Carlisle, Esme, I think it would be best if Jasper and I left for while."

When her eyes met ours, they reflected a great sadness. Jasper kept his eyes averted. Strangely, I felt as if his gift was working in reverse. I could feel remorse and agony rolling off of him in waves. And there was also doubt. Doubt he could ever master our lifestyle.

"Did Edward ask you to leave?" Carlisle asked pointblank.

"No," Alice shook her head emphatically. "In classic Edward style, he blamed himself for what happened."

"Then how can leaving this family help?" Carlisle challenged.

"If I may," Jasper spoke up quietly. "I respect this family too much. I am obviously a liability. Once I have better control, we'll come home."

"Were will you go?" I blurted out, not knowing which alarmed me more: the thought of them leaving or not knowing when or _if_ they would return.

"Jasper wants to stay with Peter and Charlotte for a while."

Carlisle looked uneasy. "They do not refrain from their human bloodlust. You need to be with others who live the life you want to lead."

"Right now, I just don't fit in anywhere. Seeing some friendly faces may help me think more clearly. But I can't stay here. Edward's emotions are…too overwhelming right now."

I looked at Carlisle and prayed, _please don't let them go… _But then a bubble of tranquility began to form inside my chest. It grew in size until it filled me with a soothing sense of calm.

Realization hit and my eyes flashed to Jasper's.

His sorrowful eyes were already locked on mine.

"It will be all right, Esme. We'll return someday, I promise."

The panic that welled up inside at hearing the final decision in his voice burst the bubble and Jasper frowned.

"I'm sorry. I really am." He dropped Alice's hand and bolted up the stairs.

Alice closed her eyes; the conflict she was experiencing was displayed on her sweet, childlike face. She didn't want to leave, but she had to choose her husband, her mate, over her coven---her family.

"I can't see right now. I don't know the future of this family. Too many choices are being considered." Opening her eyes she looked to Carlisle and I. "I am sorry too. I asked Jazz to try this way of life and he has tried. I guess we may need to take a few steps backward before we can go forward again. We'll leave before Edward returns. It will be easier for both of them that way. I love you both."

She hugged us and likewise flew up the stairs.

"Carlisle?" I pleaded one more time feeling like everything we had spent years building and nurturing was coming to a sudden end.

"I know," he said pulling me to him. "We have to let them go, Esme. They really aren't ours, nor are they children."

"Do you think they will come back?"

"I hope so." He kissed the top of my head. "Let's get this cleaned up. We're in for another round of crisis management when Edward returns."

But Edward did not return that evening, only stopping at the house in the morning to change before heading out to school.

The next day wasn't any better. Edward returned after school but quickly excused himself to hunt.

I sat at my desk, pencil in hand, but I had yet to make a mark on the blueprint in front of me. Staring out the window, I watched the sky change from shades of blues to dusky reds and finally deep purples. Alice's words played over in my head, "I don't know the future of this family, too many choices are being considered."

My gut told me something was brewing with Edward. He was the unknown Alice had cryptically referred to, I just knew it. And he was avoiding me and Carlisle.

Carlisle's prophetic words from Bella's first visit to our home came to mind, "…how could this end well?"

I had been so enraptured with seeing my too often brooding son brought to life, I had optimistically disregarded his words of warning. After all, love always finds a way – doesn't it?

Edward was a good soul. He deserved love. But now I wondered why it came in such an odd package. Fragile human. Singer. Silent mind.

Was he drawn in to her by her humanness, something he never wanted to give up?

Did he confuse love with the lust and desire he had for the blood that called to him? We always want what we cannot have. The more forbidden, the more it is coveted.

But mostly, I wondered if he had fallen for what her mind _didn't_ say. She was a mystery to him, unlike any female before her. Unheard and unknown. A challenge and yet a refuge for him at the same time.

What drew him so strongly to her? Ultimately, did it matter?

Bella seemed just as drawn to Edward. Of course, she'd be attracted to him, as any human female would, but maybe the difference was he had let her in. She knew only what we had known – his capacity to love, his compassion and loyalty. But she too had to realize how improbable it was that their relationship would last. Still she clung to him almost as if her life depended on him.

My thoughts worked in a complete circle, bringing me back to the beginning: what will happen next in a relationship so not meant to be, yet determined not to be dismissed?

Soft piano music floated into my thoughts from downstairs. I guess I would soon have my answer…

Drawn by the haunting beauty of his music and my curiosity, I padded to the top step. It was my favorite place to sit and listen to Edward play. While I remained out of his sight, he would play and I would listen to his mood as it coursed through his music. Eventually I would hear the familiar notes that made up my song. Then I knew he had caught the presence of my mind.

Tonight the music was sorrowful. Bitter sweet. Lonely. Moved by his emotions, I drifted down the stairs. Once I was within inches of him, his fingers froze. When they resumed their skillful dance over the keys, my song appeared.

I slid gently next to him on the smooth bench. We sat together in verbal silence while he played. I watch his face. It held no expression. There was no light in his eyes.

_Edward_?

He ignored my mental question and continued to play my song through to the peaceful ending.

He rested his fingers on the keys and I waited and watched. When he removed them, it was to close the cover over the keys.

"I am done now."

The words held such finality.

"It is still the most exquisite composition I have ever heard and a most cherished gift, Edward."

"It is about endless beauty, gentle kindness and generosity. It is my portrait of you in musical form. I wanted to play it for you one last time."

I abruptly closed my eyes to hide the sharp pain his words caused, but he didn't need to see my eyes to know.

"You're leaving." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes," he answered nonetheless.

"Why?"

"What happened with Jasper –"

"Was an accident! We all make mistakes," my words were rushed and cracked, showing my desperation. What I said next proved it. "He left Edward. Alice and Jasper are gone. There's no reason for you to leave!" _Don't do this…_

For the first time since I sat next to him, he turned to look at me.

"I have to. I can't let it continue. Bella doesn't belong in our world any more that we belong in hers. James, Jaspers and what next? Hasn't her life been threatened enough?" His hands balled into fists before he continued, "Isn't it clear I've brought nothing but disaster to her life?"

"You also saved her once."

"This is my chance to save her again, Esme."

"Why do you love her, Edward?"

My frank question took him by surprise and he was momentarily speechless.

"Bella…" he swallowed and visibly started to tremble. "She is brilliant, yet meek. She is glows with a beauty that comes from within and shines outwardly. She feels like home and makes me want to be more than I am. She fills my thoughts and I feel called to her. Her happiness is all that matters to me."

He looked shocked by his disclosure.

"Edward…is she…is she your mate?"

My words opened the flood gates and he broke.

The sobs came slowly and quietly at first, but he shook harder as I embraced him.

I was taken aback by his display of emotion. While I could always sense his emotions through the music he played, his movements and the color of his eyes, he mostly kept his emotional state in check – rarely losing control. The intensity of this emotional breakdown scared me. He was so exposed, so fragile and vulnerable. I held him tighter to protect him.

I placed kisses into his rumpled hair and whispered, "We're going with you."

My declaration stilled him for a brief second before he spoke, "No. This is my issue."

"If I were in need, Edward, would you not stand by me?"

He pulled away to look at me. "Of course I would."

"And when Emmett and Jasper had their times of weakness, did you stand by them?"

"Yes." His eyes drifted from mine as he had already arrived at the point I was about to make.

"We will stand by you now. I will not abandon my family – ever," I said letting conviction fill my voice.

Carlisle appeared in the doorway.

"She's right, Edward. If you leave, we leave with you."

He nodded in resignation, opting not to take us both on. "Okay."

"Can I ask for one thing, Edward?" I tentatively questioned. "Will you wait…wait just a few days for things to settle. You may see things differently once you've calmed down and have a chance to think more clearly."

He stood from the piano and pulled himself to his full height and then stoically replied, "I can't wait, Esme. It has to be a clean, fast break. Like ripping off a bandaid. The sooner I leave, the sooner she can move on and forget. She deserves a real life with a human husband, babies and a _living_ family. If I love her, I have to do this – and do it while the motive is still fresh in my mind. If I wait, I'll weaken. I'm too selfish and I will find some reason to stay with her. I can't have it both ways -- love and selfishness are incongruent."

"Edward, did you consider what your leaving will do to Bella? She feels very deeply about you. I know she loves you," Carlisle questioned.

"She's human. She will forget," Edward responded.

Though it violated his confidence, I acted reflexively, "Carlisle, she's his mate."

Carlisle's eyes flashed. "Is this true?"

"She will forget. I will not."

"Edward," Carlisle spoke emphatically, "You cannot walk away from a mate! She has irreversibly changed you! She will always call to you. You will never be complete without her."

Frustration gripped at Edward when he spoke, "I know, but that doesn't change the facts. She does not belong in our world – what happened on her birthday proved that. And I refuse to take her life, her soul, from her for my sake. If I love her, I need to prove that by letting her live a human life without interference from me."

"I will change her for you if you will not," Carlisle offered.

Edward released a growl and I stepped quickly between my husband and my son.

"You will not touch her, Carlisle," Edward ground out between clenched teeth.

Carlisle raised his hand in a show of concession. "I will respect your decision, Edward, but I do not agree with it. This will be your undoing."

Edward maintained his steely posture, "Then stay here in Forks where you feel you belong."

"No," I said abruptly hoping to stop the backward slide of the conversation. I was not about to lose any more of my family. "We will go with you."

"How soon can we leave?" Edward pushed.

"With everyone's help, we can be ready by day after tomorrow. But…where are we going?" I looked to Carlisle, but Edward answered bitterly, "I don't care, as long as it's far from here. I'm not coming back."

* * *

The moving truck rumbled out of sight, barely clearing the trees that encroached on the long gravel drive leading to the main road.

Emmett and Rose had gone ahead to prepare the house and greet the movers when they arrived. Carlisle and I planned to drive Edward after he said his goodbye to Bella, but he insisted on driving alone.

But with each passing hour, I felt more uneasy. It started in the pit of my gut and slowly worked its way to a conclusion in my head: _This was all wrong._

I kept my opinion to myself though I had no doubt Edward knew what I was thinking. He had been steering clear of me in demonstration of his refusal to discuss it anymore.

If only Alice was here. Could she see now what was to happen? What the consequences of our decisions would be?

I was relieved I had secured Edward's promise to remain with the family, but now I feared for Bella. She had no idea what was about to hit her. She had proved she was physically strong, but I could see he had become her emotional anchor. With his admission that she was his mate, I could see they had indeed been orbiting each other, dependent on the other for happiness and meaning. Only cataclysmic disaster loomed for both of them. Why could Edward not see that?

On the day of our departure, Edward left the house early while Carlisle and I hunted.

I watched the clock as I counted down the hours for school to end and Carlisle to return from his exit interview from the hospital.

Alone and unoccupied, I boiled to a panic. I had to plead for them one more time. Grabbing my cell phone, I texted Edward.

_Please reconsider Bella deserves 2 B included in this decision Think of what harm may come 2 her if you leave_

He responded -- almost too quickly.

_I'll make sure she is safely at home first_

Dammit.

Feeling frustrated, I flopped on the crunchy plastic covered sofa. And then I made a desperate decision. I bolted out the door toward Bella's house with no plan in mind. I just needed to be there – for them.

I waited anxiously in the woods having arrived before Bella and Edward.

His car approached and he pulled in her drive, but waited in the car as I hovered at the edge of the woods contemplating my next move. He flung his head back against the headrest, worry etched on his features. Then his expression changed. He was angry. He had sensed my presence.

"What are you doing here, Esme?" he spoke evenly.

"I don't know," I answered him verbally. "I just can't see it end this way, Edward. There has to be another solution. You've finally found love and it's a love that is returned in kind. How can you walk away?"

Bella's thundering vehicle announced its impending arrival.

"Leave please, Esme. I have to do this. Don't interfere – it's hard enough."

I looked on from deeper within the trees as he greeted her, his tone bereft of emotion. It raised an alarm for Bella and anxiety clouded her face.

I listened helplessly, hiding in the woods like a coward, as he coldly told he was leaving -- we all were leaving her.

He lied as he told her he didn't want her and that she wasn't good for him. I watched as he broke her with his words, causing more internal damage than either attack from James or Jasper ever had.

When he remembered my warning and asked her not to do anything reckless and to go on with her life, she reached for him. He stopped her, pinning her arms at her side.

I wept for Edward.

He had renounced his mate, in essence, tearing himself in two. I had stood by and observed his ruin. I cursed him and myself.

Then I pleaded silently for Bella to do _something_.

But she didn't. She swallowed his lies whole. She doubted her hold on him and he took total advantage of that. Could she not see how she had changed him?

"This is ridiculous, Edward!" I could hold my tongue no longer. "I won't let you make the biggest mistake of your life!"

But before I could move to confront them, he appeared inches before me. His eyes glinted wildly with barely controlled anger and fear. He looked crazed.

"Stay away from her, Esme. It has to be this way. You will only make it harder on her. You can't change this – it's not your choice."

And with that, he was gone. The squeal of tires hitting the pavement confirmed his final exit.

Then I heard her…

"Edward?"

The initial shock had worn off and panic overflowed her voice.

"Edward? Edward!"

She lurched in my direction, walking at first before attempting a run through the uneven woods.

Swiftly I moved ahead while keeping an eye on her haphazard movements.

She continued to call for him. A lone voice in the dead silence. But he was gone and no matter how long she cried out to him, there would be no answer.

She stumbled and I started in her direction. But what would I say to her? _It will be okay. _Useless words. _Edward loves you_. What good would that do when he was gone?

Bella avoided a fall by catching herself on a tree trunk, blood oozed from the cuts inflicted on her hands by the wet, jagged bark.

I wept for her.

Her voice became hoarse and she could only whisper his name over and over. She stumbled repeatedly as she wondered aimlessly through the darkening forest. How could he leave her lost and alone? But I knew he too was lost and alone and would remain so as long as he was away from Bella.

She faltered in the darkness and this time she fell. I cried out to her and prayed she still had the strength to get up. But with her will gone and physically exhausted from traipsing the slippery terrain for hours, she curled up in a ball and sobbed. Eventually, she cried out, "Alice, help me!" before muttering "He's gone. He's gone."

Her shaking finally ceased and she was still and silent. I stood over her, a worthless guardian angel.

Then I heard them. Charlie and Jacob were calling to Bella, the beams of their flashlights frantically searching for her. As they moved closer to where I stood, I backed away and watched. But at only twenty feet from her, they abruptly changed direction.

With a sigh, I resumed my muted vigil as rain began to fall from the cold moonless sky.

It was not long after that I smelled him. _Wet dog._

My nose crinkled at the scent I couldn't have been more joyful to detect approaching. Another being who had a dark secret to keep.

I left Bella's side and went to him – alone -- taking the risk I had to take for her.

He was closing in on me quickly, a warning growl was sent ahead meant to alert me to my tenuous situation. But I could not leave her. Breathlessly I waited for his arrival.

Teeth bared he emerged from the shadows. I had forgotten how incredibly large they were.

Saliva hung in thick strands from his jaws and the fur on his back stood on end, making him appear even bigger.

I raised my hand in a show of surrender and spoke hurriedly, while my head still remained attached.

"Bella is here. She's unharmed, Sam Uley. I'll take you to her and then I will leave once I know she is safely with you."

His posture remained unchanged. While I feared for my life, I remembered the words of strength I had said over Bella. She needed me to be strong now. Against every instinct in my body, I turned my back to Sam and walked in Bella's direction. "Follow me," I croaked out, leading the way.

From behind I could hear the sounds of twigs and branches snapping in his wake. Self preservation screamed warnings in my head and pushed me to flee. I shuddered wondering if he would attack once he found Bella in her pathetic state of shock, assuming I had caused her injury.

Stopping short of Bella's location, I pointed, "She's there."

The beast growled threateningly and I frozen in place as he passed me to investigate.

The cold rain fell harder and it startled Bella back to reality. Her feeble mutterings resumed, "He's gone. Help me. He's gone."

Sam returned and glared at me. I assumed he was looking for an explanation, so I started talking. "She got lost in the woods. I couldn't go to her – it's a long story. Suffice it to say she is unharmed except for a broken heart. Take care of her and tell your tribe the Cullens have left this area. I don't foresee we will be returning… May I go now?"

He dipped his head and I bolted. The sooner I left, the sooner Bella could be helped. I knew he wouldn't change to human form until I put distance between us.

As my legs propelled me forward, I listened. "Bella?" Sam spoke kindly to her. Then he lowered his voice and grumbled, "Thank you, Cullen. Don't come back."

Emotionally spent and adrenaline drained, I collapsed on the soaked ground. The sobs ripped from my throat and I grieved the loss of Alice and Jasper. I grieved for Bella's pain and Edward's torn soul. And I grieved for myself and the strength I did not possess to change things.

"Don't cry, love."

_He was here. My rock._

I looked up at him, rain water dripping on me from his face and hair. I was embarrassed by my weakness.

He held his hand out to me. "Let's go home. It's the start of another chapter, Esme. We'll see it through if our foundation stays strong. You and me – together."

I nodded, finding a lifeline in his words, and took his hand.

Carlisle pulled me up. He held me close and carried me to the road where the Mercedes waited.

"Where's Edward?" I asked him.

"He went ahead."

Reaching the car, Carlisle opened the passenger side door. I climbed in, relieved to be out of the pouring rain. Carlisle started the car and we began the trip to our new home.

"How will this end, Carlisle?"

His soft eyes caught mine. "If there is one thing we've learned from our relationship, it's that love is a journey, not a destination. Bella and Edward will find a path back to each other. I just pray they do so quickly and safely."

* * *

_Author's Note: I am so glad to have finally been able to write these thoughts down. They came to me a few months ago in the image of Edward saying a farewell to his music, knowing it would never be the same again. Just not enough to fill him anymore._

_It was at this point I think he knew that Bella was his mate – in the same vain as imprinting, it would have been something he felt deeply and could not be dismissed. Let me know your thoughts of this entry!_


	7. Saving Grace

**Saving Grace**

_Summary: Rosalie hinted in Eclipse that Esme didn't have a perfect record when it came to avoiding the consumption of human blood. What could have happened to make such a loving vampire slip? This is my take on the "sin" of the character I cherish the most._

_SM owns Twilight_

* * *

_EsPOV_

May, 2007

The sunlight playfully teased the tender shoots of reborn grass in our backyard. The trees were in full bloom and their swaying in the wind frequently blocked the warmer late spring sunshine.

All in all, a glorious day in the Pacific Northwest.

I knew it wouldn't be much longer before we would have to move away from Forks, only to move back several decades later when no human would recognize our unchanged faces. We had permanent roots here now. Jacob would always want to protect his people; it was in his blood to do so.

With our transient nature in mind, I had purchased annuals to plant in the landscaping close to the house. Pansies in pink, purple, and white.

I raised my face to the sun, letting it warm my skin as I kneeled over the soil. Such a shame we had to hide from it in public. I loved the sun. Moreover, I was enjoying the quiet. Em, Rose, Alice, and Jasper had taken off for several weeks in Alaska for some hunting and relaxation with extended family. This left just Carlisle and I in the house, and Edward, Bella and Nessie in the cottage.

Unfortunately with less family to play with, Nessie was becoming increasingly bored. So on this beautiful day, Nessie, Carlisle and Jacob went hiking and spelunking. Edward and Bella took advantage of the "kid-free" time to do some indoor shopping.

Of course, I was invited to join both adventures, but I politely refused, choosing to relish some time alone with just my thoughts. It gave me time to count my blessings, actually. We had all survived the visit from the Volturi several months before, and breathed a sigh of relief after meeting Nahuel, learning Nessie would flourish in growth before leveling off at approximately age 7. She would then join us in agelessness.

So much possibility stretched out before us now. Our family felt complete with Edward finding happiness in Bella, and the two of them blessing us with life.

I never could have imagined being this happy and content.

Once the last flower was removed from its flimsy plastic container and given new life in the ground, I stacked up the tools and trash and left them in the corner of the stone patio. The mess could wait for later, I told myself resisting the urge to clean up. Now it's time to relax and soak up the rare sunlight.

No sooner had I situated myself in a lounge chair, did I hear the crunch of gravel in the drive. Bella and Edward had returned.

The rumbling of the Vanquish cut off and I heard the gathering of bags. Strangely, I didn't hear any voices. Not a good sign…

Car doors slammed, the opening and closing of the back door was then followed by the sound of the bags hitting the kitchen table. I listened intently…

"Bella, you have to stop berating yourself over this. You didn't act on it, that's all that counts," Edward pleaded.

"What if I did? You think you could have stopped me? You can't read my thoughts! I would have made….a mess of things before you even knew what was happening!" She scolded him.

"You are still a newborn and despite your amazing ability to control your urges, you shouldn't be surprised if your thirst sneaks up on you at times. It's part of what we are, Bella."

"But I saw it in my mind, Edward." Bella's voice became hushed with shame. "I saw myself attacking and drinking…oh, what if…"

"Come here."

Though I couldn't see them, knowing Edward so well, I imagined he had pulled Bella close to him and enfolded her in his arms. It was quiet for a minute or two.

"Even if you made a mistake, my love, everyone would understand. None of us is perfect. We have all had indiscretions, taking life or drinking human blood."

"Esme hasn't. She's perfect," Bella responded, defiantly challenging Edward's argument.

_Silence. _

And I knew why. Again my thoughts cowardly begged him to keep my secret. What I had done all those years ago did not require any more intellectual conversation. I had made a decision, I acted on it, and there was no need to discuss it any further. Whether my choice was right or wrong could be debated for ages, but _nothing_ could change the outcome. Edward and Carlisle had respected my request to keep silent. However, after listening to Bella chastise herself, I realized that if someone could benefit from my experience, maybe it was time to share…

I heard Edward sigh. "Bella, Esme is outside on the patio. She would like to talk to you - alone."

A moment later Bella opened the French doors to greet me.

"Hello, Esme. The flowers look lovely." Her voice held a tone of uncertainty as she sat in the lounge chair next to me and took a deep breath. "I guess you heard all that. Well, of course, you heard all that…"

"I did, and Bella –"

But she cut me off in a rush of words. "I don't mean any disrespect, but please don't try to cheer me up, Esme. Today, I almost cost this family everything. I could have exposed everyone. I am so stupid thinking I can control my blood thirst so easily.

"I wish I could be like you. Always effortlessly in control. You don't know what this doubt feels like. How heavy it is." She threw her head back against the chair in frustration. "And I really want a glass of lemonade right now."

Her child-like tantrum made me smile, but it quickly faded.

"Bella, what I am about to tell you has only been shared with Carlisle and Edward. Mostly because I am not proud of what I did. And, quite frankly, Edward only knows because I couldn't hide it from him."

Bella's expression changed. She sat upright in her chair and turned her body toward mine, leaving her concerns behind to focus wholly on my words.

I continued, "I am not as perfect as you think I am. I have taken human blood within me." I swallowed the thick venom clogging my throat. I had never said the words aloud, not even to Carlisle: "I took a life."

Bella's features softened as she shifted in her seat. I could tell she was trying to conceal her surprise. "Rosalie hinted at that a while ago – when I was still human. But I didn't believe her at the time."

"She doesn't _really_ know what happened. I think she deduced _something_ occurred by my reaction when she asked me about my 'record'. I never answered her, but in a way, I guess I did."

I sat up to face her. "I think I want to tell you about it."

Bella looked a bit apprehensive and glanced over her shoulder, probably wondering where Edward was. "Are you sure?"

"I ended someone's life. But in remembering that life and sharing with you, maybe some good can come from it."

Bella nodded. "All right. I'm listening."

"It was a long time ago, shortly after Edward had returned to us and we moved to Rochester. I was looking for ways to spend my abundance of time. Carlisle had taken a position at the local hospital, and Edward had returned to school. I had no interest in college now that my dream of becoming a teacher was unattainable. But one day Carlisle had an idea…"

_Rochester, NY_

_1932_

"Esme, what do you think about coming to the hospital to volunteer?"

"I don't know, Carlisle. All that blood…"

I had been to visit Carlisle in the hospital before, once I had enough control to resist the call of human blood, but my stays were always short, maybe lasting a lunch hour.

"I considered that too," he responded "What if you volunteer in the children's ward? Most of them are hospitalized for long term conditions. There is very little occasion for blood and you can work with children. I know you would enjoy that. You could make a difference."

The suggestion had its appeal.

"Children," I hummed longingly. "It's been so long since I have really interacted with children."

I looked at Carlisle. His eyes held a twinkle of excitement.

"Okay," I relented to his persuasive argument. "When do I start?"

"I will check in with the matron on the floor tomorrow. I'll see if I can coordinate a shift for you that corresponds with mine."

And with that, I had a new purpose. I was going to make a difference, I was going help others – I would be like my husband. I hadn't felt such anticipation in quite a while, and it was hard to focus on anything that next day as I awaited word from Carlisle.

When Carlisle returned, he had wonderful news. It was arranged that I could volunteer on the children's ward of the hospital. Carlisle informed me I would be reading books, playing games, singing songs and even would have the opportunity to _teach_ the children residing in the ward.

I was overcome with anticipation. Then the anxiety bled through – and it was overwhelming.

"Carlisle, I don't have any children's books or teaching materials! I'm not prepared!" I panicked.

Carlisle laughed and I shot him a deadly glance.

His smile disappeared immediately and he appeared apologetic. "Esme. Slow down. Go tomorrow, get oriented, and figure out what you need. I will be glad to help you purchase whatever materials you think are necessary. But remember, this is not a classroom setting. The children in the ward are sick and many are very _homesick_. Their needs may surprise you."

"They need education, Carlisle, especially if they are in the ward for a long time. They get further behind their peers every day, putting them at a disadvantage for when they are released from the hospital," I implored him to see my point.

He smiled his "doctor smile" – the one he uses when he can tell his point has sailed over someone's head. He took my hand and led me over to the sofa, we sat down.

"_If_ they get released, Esme."

He waited patiently for his words to sink in. When I understood his point, I leaned back against the cushions in silence.

"Children die there don't they, Carlisle. I will see _children_ die."

Fear welled up and replaced my excitement, dousing it like water on a flame. Was I ready to see another child die...like mine had? Carlisle's face was empathetic. He knew what I was thinking, where my mind had gone.

"I'm sorry, Esme, in my haste to fill your desire for self-worth outside of our home and thinking I could have you near while I work, I forgot about the darker side of work in the hospital. Death. And, well, how that might affect you."

I took his hand in mine and muttered, "Don't blame yourself. I should have thought about it myself."

"Well, I guess it's back to the drawing board. I'm sure we will think of something for you to do." He patted my hand.

Carlisle was letting me off the hook, but instead of feeling relief, I felt shame.

"Do many people visit the children in the ward? I mean, their parents are there, right?"

"Yes, some parents come to visit," he replied slowly, but I could tell there was more.

"Some?"

Carlisle leaned back mimicking my position on the sofa, but it also meant he could avoid my eyes.

"Things are different in the bigger cities. Urbanization, industrialization, and immigration have placed a strain on cities and created a need for hospital services for poorer people. Families crowded into cramped tenements lack both extended family members and space to care for seriously ill family members. And as poor mothers enter the workforce, they too are unavailable to care for sick children at home. For many desperate families, the hospital was the only place for health care. The only place they can leave their child in the care of others - and they can be there for weeks, and some, months."

I nodded my rueful understanding. It was sad, but true. This wasn't a farming community with all the family living in a big farmhouse. Nor was it the early 1900's. Times have changed.

Indeed, it was time I learned to be strong. I did want to make a difference. I could do that at the hospital. Maybe even keep a child from dying alone...

"I want to go, Carlisle. I want to help."

"Esme…"

"Please. If I can't do it, I'll let you know. And you'll be there if I can't handle something. Just allow me to try."

I leaned into him and batted my eyelashes – that usually worked on him. But if necessary, I was willing to pout.

"All right, I will agree for the benefit of the children." He pulled me to his chest in an embrace. "I'm sure they will adore you, my love."

The caustic smells of the hospital assaulted my nose. So much was different nowadays and this hospital was larger than any one I had ever been in before. It was louder and busier too. The contrasting noises of new life and suffering, clashing smells, and activity inundated my senses and I held on tightly to Carlisle's hand to anchor me.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked softly as we made our way to the children's ward.

"Yes. It's just overwhelming. And the smells…" I crinkled my nose. The fusion of sweet blood and bitter antiseptics was almost nauseating.

"It takes a while to get use to, but after some time, you almost don't notice them anymore."

"I hope you're right," I groaned.

Once on the correct floor, I was met enthusiastically by the middle-aged floor matron. It was her role to coordinate volunteers, activities, and other needs on the children's ward.

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen! We are so happy to have you," Mrs. Williams beamed. "I'll introduce you to all the children. Dr. Cullen said you have a background in education."

"I taught at a private school for a short period, yes."

"Excellent! Shall we get started?"

"Of course."

Carlisle placed his hand on Mrs. Williams' shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Thank you. I know I leave my wife in good hands."

"Oh go on now, Dr. Cullen, you're just a sweet talker." She blushed. I smiled at the ease with which my husband dazzled women. Once he had disappeared from view, Mrs. Williams took me by the arm. "Come sweetie, let's greet the children."

She gave me the tour starting with the activity room. Then we visited each starkly furnished room. One resembled the other - white walls, checkered tile floor, and unfinished wood furniture including one chair, a bed, and a side table. In most rooms, several children were housed together.

Mrs. Williams read my body language. "We try to avoid taking children with infectious diseases," she whispered, "but sometimes we just have no choice. I will try to warn you if I think you are in danger of catching something."

"Carlisle said parents don't often visit their children here. Is that true?"

"Well, we do have limited visiting hours and that makes it difficult for working parents to visit their children. But the hours reflect a practical concern – less parental visits, the less homesickness and behavior problems on the wards. Plus, visitors often introduce new infections and unsanctioned food, adversely affecting recovery," the matron explained. "So I try to hug them as often as I can."

As we wrapped up the tour, I noticed we had skipped one of the rooms.

"Is there anyone in that room?" I inquired.

Some of the glow left her face. "Yes. Grace is in that room."

"Why didn't you introduce me to her?"

"She's a sad case, Mrs. Cullen. I just didn't want to overwhelm you on your first day."

Just then, a loud clatter echoed through the hallway.

"Oh, I just bet Jimmy is stacking the furniture again! See how much we need to you to entertain the children." She smiled and before bolding down the hallway in the direction of the noise. I was awed by how quickly she moved for woman her age.

Waiting alone, my curiosity got the best of me. I headed straight for Grace's room.

She was a young girl, maybe 14 or 15 years of age. I thought she appeared a might too thin for her age. She was a pretty girl, though, with curly red hair, large green eyes, and very fair skin with a splattering of freckles over her cheeks and nose. She was staring out the window, her expression flat.

She didn't hear me enter, so I knocked on the doorframe to alert her to my presences.

Her eyes moved slowly to take me in. Her expression didn't change.

"What is it _you_ want?" she asked bluntly.

I was taken aback by her rudeness, and it left me stuttering. "I thought...well, I thought you might like a visitor."

"No, thank you," she replied curtly and her eyes moved back to the window. I had obviously been dismissed.

I decided to respect her request, with one caveat, "Very well. I'll see you tomorrow."

Her eyes shot in my direction, but she said nothing. I smiled and glanced at the chart hanging on the door before exiting.

The rest of the day on the ward went well. The smaller children were willing to crawl in my lap and listen to stories all day. I found it wonderful that they never questioned my cold skin when they came by chance in contact with it. They were so young and innocent - accepting and nonjudgmental. Starved for attention and contact.

However, I felt troubled on the ride home. I knew why. Grace. The vacant look in her eyes. It was as if she was already dead on the inside.

"Carlisle, what is _bulbar polio_?" I had read it on Grace's chart, but didn't understand how or if this diagnosis was different than any other polio diagnosis.

Carlisle shook his head; my first indication the prognosis for Grace was not good.

"As you know, some children infected with the polio virus may have few or no symptoms. Others have short-term symptoms, such as headache, tiredness, fever, stiff neck and back, and muscle pain. But if the virus invades the nerves in the spinal cord, it can cause paralysis of the arms, legs, or trunk."

This I already knew. Polio was a rampant childhood illness and I had seen the outcome on the streets and in the playgrounds.

"However, more serious problems happen when the virus invades nerves in the brain. It can cause paralysis of the muscles used in swallowing and breathing and much more. That is what happens in bulbar polio. At this time, it is almost always fatal."

"Oh," was all I could muster.

"Does someone on the ward have this condition, Esme?"

"Yes, a teenage girl. She is refusing visitors, but I told her I'd visit tomorrow."

"That's a difficult situation, especially if she knows her prognosis." It was quiet for a while before Carlisle spoke again, "Esme, be careful. Don't get too emotionally involved."

I didn't reply, but somehow I knew it was already too late for that…

The next day I arrived on the ward with a few of my favorite books. I was hoping I could share my experiences with the stories with Grace and maybe she would get involved with the book and think less of her condition. It seemed she was too focused on her illness.

"Good morning, Grace." I spoke genuinely, but not too enthusiastically.

The same expressionless face welcomed me. I chose to ignore that fact and continued on with my plan.

"I brought you some books. They were my favorite when I was your age. Do you like to read?" I pulled a chair next to her bed.

I didn't even receive a glance.

"Grace?"

Taking a deep breath, I tried to put myself where she was emotionally. I was afraid to go there and it took me some time before I could remove the barriers I had put up to protect myself from that dark place in my human life. The same darkness I let consume me and ultimately gave my life to. But if I could find common ground with the young woman, maybe I could reach here where she was.

"I know what it's like to feel cheated by life. To be angry with God for what had happened. I wondered 'why me?' Why did I have to suffer so much, what had I done to deserve it? Do you feel that way too, Grace?"

She moistened her lips with her tongue, but seemed to struggle to do so.

"What did you do when you felt that way?" she spoke, slightly slurring her words.

"I tried to end my life," I answered honestly, although I worried the subject was too mature for a young girl.

"I can't read anymore."

Confused by the change in direction of our conversation, I questioned, "I'm sorry. You can't read?

"My…illness…it changed my vision. I have double vision. I used to read. I _used_ _to_ do a lot of things."

"I can be your eyes, Grace. What books did you enjoy the most? I can read to you."

"Do you feel sorry for me, lady? Will reading to me make _you_ feel better?" Her tone was biting and her eyes searched mine for the truth, but still her expression revealed nothing.

"I faced death alone because others were uncomfortable with my sadness. They avoided me whenever possible, not knowing what to say. It was easier to pretend I didn't exist than share my pain. I do not pity you, in many ways, I was you. I'm here to say you don't have to go through this alone, Grace. And please...call me Esme."

She looked away, staring out the window again. After 10 minutes of silence, I rose to leave yet determined to try again tomorrow.

Just before I reached the door, she spoke quietly, "I like Hans Christian Anderson's stories."

I didn't turn, keeping my smile a secret from her. "I'll have some tomorrow. See you then."

Carlisle and I went to the library that same day to retrieve the works Grace requested. In the time before I returned to the hospital, I poured over the stories and fairy tales one by one, carefully choosing which ones to read. The next morning, when I approached Grace's room, I felt ready. I was surprised to see the matron, Mrs. Williams, waiting for me outside of the room.

"Mrs. Cullen, I'm afraid Grace has experienced worsening of her condition. The doctors fear the swelling in her brain has increased. In addition to her facial paralysis, she is having trouble swallowing and her heart beat is erratic."

"Facial paralysis – is that why she lacks expression?"

"Yes. The poor dear. That is why none of the other children visit her or interact with her. They are confused by her mask-like expression. They assume she is angry. They don't understand what is happening to her, even the other children who have polio don't understand, since their form is different."

"May I see her?"

"Of course, I just thought I'd explain. If the swelling progresses, well... " Mrs. Williams wrung her hands in her apron. "It's so hard to see these young ones suffer, it truly is."

Grace's eyes watched me as I walked in. Saliva was running down the sides of her mouth and her food tray sat untouched. It dawned on me only now that her arms and legs were probably useless to her.

I picked up the cloth napkin from her tray. Taking it to the sink, I ran the faucet until the water turned warm. Soaking and wringing out the cloth, I returned to her bedside. Gently I wiped the drool from her face before using a clean section to clean the rest of her face. Setting the cloth next to her tray, I asked, "Which story would you like to start with? Nod when you hear the story you want read to you."

Her selection: Thumbelina.

After reading, I attempted to feed her. It was a very slow process as she worked to coordinate her muscles to swallow. Often she choked, and sometimes the food came back out. I could see the humiliation in her eyes, being fed like a baby when she should be blossoming into a woman.

"It's okay, Grace. Take your time. I have nowhere I need to be. I'm here for you," I soothed her anxiety.

It took one hour to feed her half her breakfast. And then she slept.

When she awoke several hours later, she seemed genuinely happy to see me.

"Sorry," she slurred. "Thank you."

I sat next to her. "What would you like to hear now?"

"No books. Talk."

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

"What happens when you die?"

Although my first reaction was to change the subject to something much less ominous, I didn't want to shy away from her question. I was truly amazed by her inner strength and willingness to discuss a very difficult and scary issue. I owed it her to answer honestly, however, I drew on my faith for _this_ answer, not experience. "All suffering ends. The angels in heaven rejoice. And there is nothing but peace and happiness."

"Then I want to die now, Miss Esme."

My throat constricted. "Don't talk that way, Grace. There is still hope."

"Hope is a fairy tale. I am being robbed of everything." Grace choked on her saliva, and the resulting coughing fit took away a large part of her energy reserves. I supported her back, helping her to lean over before guiding her back against the stack of pillows. "I can't smile, I can't cry. I'll never walk again or brush my hair. Why would I want to remain here, Miss Esme? To suffer _and_ lose all my dignity? So my parents can work 60 hours a weeks to pay for my stay in this hospital? Why? What purpose does it serve?"

"What other choice is there?"

"I think you are an angel, Miss Esme. You've come to take me to heaven."

"I am not an angel, Grace," I rushed to correct her. "I am just a woman, like you." I searched her eyes, they were resolute.

"I have been studying you as you have been studying me."

I swallowed hard, feeling the urge to flee. I felt transparent, discovered. "I assure you, I am not an angel. You know I have been honest with you. I am being honest now."

"Then if you can't help me, please go."

"Grace-" I pleaded for her understanding.

"Go!" she yelled, lapsing into a fit of coughing and choking. A nurse and doctor rushed in, grabbing the suction machine from a shelf. In the flurry of activity, I backed toward the door. Grace never took her eyes off me.

I ran from the hospital and didn't stop until I reached home. Her eyes haunted me for two days, as did her words. In that time, I read every medical journal and article I could find on her condition and its progression. In the New England Journal of Medicine I read what her final days would be like:

_In Bulbar polio, the critical nerves affected are the __glossopharyngeal nerve__, which partially controls swallowing and functions in the throat, tongue movement, and taste; the __vagus nerve__, which sends signals to the heart, intestines, and lungs; and the __accessory nerve__, which controls upper neck movement. Due to the effect on swallowing, secretions of __mucus__ may build up in the airway causing suffocation. Other signs and symptoms include __facial weakness__, caused by destruction of the __trigeminal nerve__ and __facial nerve__, which innervate the cheeks, __tear ducts__, gums, and muscles of the face, among other structures; __double vision__; difficulty in chewing; and abnormal __respiratory rate__, depth, and rhythm, which may lead to __respiratory arrest__. __Pulmonary edema__ and __shock__ are also possible._

It was all medical-speak, but I knew she was correct; it would take all her, piece by piece. Slowly.

I had fled because I was uncomfortable with her illness and approaching demise, in addition to how she saw something in me that she didn't see in others. It made me think of Edward's mother and her pleas to Carlisle.

He didn't run from Elizabeth, I wouldn't run from Grace. I wouldn't desert her the way others had.

Against Carlisle's wishes, I returned to the ward three days after my hasty departure. I sought out Mrs. Williams.

"I'm so glad you returned, Mrs. Cullen. Grace has been asking about you. Her condition has neither improved nor worsened, but we have had to force feed her. It was quite unpleasant. Maybe you can get her to eat willingly?"

"I'll do what I can."

Somehow Grace looked smaller, lessened.

"Have you come to help me?" she rasped as I entered the room. I could tell she knew I'd return.

"What is it you want from me, Grace? I don't understand."

"I know God has sent you to me for a reason."

I sat next to her, wanting so badly to help her. To ease her suffering, her wasting, her waiting.

"I remember hurting so badly I wanted to die," my heart spoke to her. "When I looked down from that cliff, I should have been afraid. I should have stepped back away from the danger as most people would have. But it offered an end to my pain. I only wanted the pain to stop. Is that what you want from me, Grace? Do you want me to make your pain stop?"

"Yes."

While she was so sure of her faith, I was having a crisis within my own. It was not my place to hasten her death! I was not God. It was not my decision when she should die. Contrarily, why did she have to live the rest of her days in fear and pain only to endure the loss of dignity? God surely would not want that either. Without thinking, I reached out to caress her young face.

Tremors appeared at the corners of her mouth, what I believed to be the remnants of a smile as she turned her face into my palm. "I knew it was true, Miss Esme. I knew you were an angel heralding my death."

At her words, I realized my mistake! I jerked my stone-cold hand from her face. While I panicked, a new found peace appeared in her eyes.

"Are you not afraid of me?" I hesitantly asked.

"No fear anymore. You're going to save me."

"It's wrong, Grace. Don't ask me to do this."

"Please, Miss Esme. In heaven I will be whole again. Your coming to me is a gift from God. I asked him to send a sign – it is the reason you are here, now. I accept His gift. I am ready."

Disregarding my fear of discovery, I took her hand. In silence, we watched each other. I listened to her heart struggle to maintain a rhythm and her lungs crackled with fluid. Each breath exhausted her. I could smell the sores breaking through her skin from being bedridden for so long.

The doctors and nurses rarely entered in the hours I spent contemplating at her bedside. They knew their time was better spent on those who would live. As the shadows lengthened, Grace began drifting in and out of consciousness. "Please Miss Esme" slipped from her lips over and over.

At last, I could not bear my inaction any more. I had it within me to end her pain quickly, to free her soul tethered to a useless, traitorous body.

That day, I granted her wish.

I saw Bella's jaw drop slightly as realization set in. For the first time since I began my story, Bella questioned me. "You...bit her?"

"Yes, I did. I held her hand lovingly to my cheek and pierced her wrist. I drank as quickly as I could. She was weak and passed peacefully. No one ever questioned her death."

Bella pondered the situation I just detailed, as Carlisle and Edward had before her when I admitted what I had done. I knew what would come next...

"You did the right thing, Esme. You helped that girl."

"Yes, that is one way to look at it. I was an _angel of mercy_. But she was just a girl. Perhaps too young to understand the weight of her decision. I'm sure her parents would have cursed me as the devil himself," I sighed, relieved my confession was almost over. "I also violated my promise to Carlisle never to drink human blood. He lost some trust in me that day, and I lost trust in myself.

"I had to leave the hospital and sequester myself away from humans for a while. Bella, it was the most glorious feeling to experience – human blood. I imagine much like the high from a drug.

"The worst part is I sinned. I took a life that was not mine to take. I am uncertain as to the fate of my own soul now. When Carlisle and I meet our end, will I ever be rejoined to him? Have I forced him into an eternity without me?"

"What does Carlisle think about what happened?" she asked.

"He believes I will be forgiven. My intentions were merciful, and Carlisle feels God will take that into consideration when I am judged."

"Have you thought about returning to the hospital? You are so loving, Esme. I'm sure there are children who could benefit from your comfort and care."

"No, I will never go back," I stated firmly.

"Why?"

"Because I can't say for certain, if faced with a similar situation, that I wouldn't do it again, Bella."

"I see..." Bella spoke slowly; my frank, honest answer catching her off guard.

"I told you this story because I don't want you to compare yourself to anyone else. Especially because what you believe to be true could be incorrect, as in my case. Edward can help you set up some realistic expectations for yourself. Despite his lapse in judgment all those years ago, or maybe because of them, he is a good role model for you. He has made peace with his actions."

The sound of rapidly moving footfalls broke into my awareness.

"Gramma Esme!" Nessie squealed as she burst over the river running towards Bella and me. Her bronze curls shimmered bright red in the intense sunlight.

"My angel!" I rose to catch her in my arms. "I'm so happy to see you! I have something for you."

She leapt into my embrace and I carried her over to the edge of the patio.

"I put this flower in your own little pot to keep at your house. You will be responsible for its care. You'll need to make sure it gets sun and water. If you do, it will grow for you."

She smiled happily at receiving such a simple gift. She was sunshine, so full of life and hope, a true blessing.

_"Thank you, Miss Esme"_

My breath caught and my eyes widened. "What...what did you say, Nessie?"

"I said thank you, Gramma Esme," she stated, before turning her attention to the little purple bud in the small pot.

I swear something had shown in her eyes - deep within them. I saw the glimmer of someone else...

"I thought...you said..."

"Are you okay, Gramma?"

"Yes. I'm fine," I stammered realizing the precious gift I had just received. "Thank you, Nessie. Thank you."

"I love you, Gramma Esme!"

She squeezed my neck and I put her down. As soon as her feet hit the ground, Nessie scurried over to Bella and hopped into her lap, throwing her arms around her mother.

"I love you too...Grace."

* * *

_A/N: Surprised? Emotional? Moved? Thankful?_

_Was Esme's action merciful or sinful?_

_My writing of Esme's experiences always has compassion for the strong, quiet woman who counsels the counselor (Carlisle) and changed a coven into a family. I just couldn't invision her denying who she was, even in the newborn stage. And for those history or medical buffs, I also threw in what hospital stays were like for children at a time before the embracing of 'pediatrics' and when polio was a word that struck fear in every parent._

_My sincere graditute to RowanMoon and RosaBella75 for betaing this piece for me. I know it was not easy. _

_I'd love to hear your thoughts/comments/reviews._

_For more background on Carlisle and Esme (through my eyes) read_ the parent story to this series of oneshots, **Carlisle and Esme: How the Love Story Began.**


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